Hannah & Sam

9 Months Later

2011-11-29T21:38:00.002-05:00

Not only do I have a baby boy, he's 9 months old. Ah, I wish every day that life would slow down. Almost every night while rocking my little man to sleep, I wonder how it became bedtime already. (Yes, I do rock him instead of just laying him down, I can't help it!) After work, there are only two hours before an exhausted Sam* demands to go to sleep. I wish he could stay up a little longer and play. I kiss his fingers and tickle him under the arms just to prolong these sweet moments. Yet when he quickly stops laughing and starts fussing, I'm reminded why I'm putting him to bed.

Oh, I knew I'd enjoy motherhood. And yet this intense love still took me by surprise. I was also unprepared for the questions I'm still trying to answer: Am I spending enough time every day with my son? On workdays, I only see him for about a half hour in the morning and two hours in the evening. (Unless he decides to wake up in the middle of the night.) I miss him while I'm at work. He's at a great daycare, but he's not with me. Along with that, I'm only working 32 hours a week. Will I be able to advance in my career while only working part-time? Is that something I even care about right now? When I'm at work I do.

God, this baby boy has already brought so much joy. I love being his mom. From the moment he was born I've been crazy in love and way too over-protective. Thank you for the privilege of raising this sweet boy. Please give me wisdom in how to parent, and peace about not being with him all the time.

For those still waiting for their children, God, please send them a miracle.

*Sam is his blog name, but this is his real photo.

Worth It All

2011-03-14T12:36:00.001-04:00

Oh yes, it’s worth it. Worth all the waiting, the years of heartache, the prayers, and so many tearful cries. When the doctor placed my son on my chest I couldn’t help but sob, and sob loudly. Here he was, after everything we had gone through, after almost losing hope that we’d ever get to this point.

My son wasn’t on my chest long before they took him away to get him cleaned up and weighed. I thought I’d want to cuddle and kiss him immediately, but in that exhausted state after labor, to just know my baby was here was enough. To know that he made it, and that this beautiful child is ours to care for. The child we prayed for, longed for, and are already deeply in love with.

While yesterday was my son’s due date, today he’s two weeks old, already. Born on February 28. What a blessing to get an extra two weeks with him. I love just holding him and watching all the little faces he makes. His daddy loves watching his eyes shift back and forth, and we both laugh at all his squeaks and grunts.

While being a mom is wonderful, I do have to admit that I've had a few little breakdowns already, mostly worry and frustration over nursing. That is going a lot better now though.

You know, it wouldn’t have mattered if this child was ours biologically or through adoption. I know we’d love him just as much. It’s the privilege of caring for him. God, thank you for allowing us to be his parents. Thank you for bringing this sweet baby boy into our family. God, you had a plan for us all along, and this child was worth the wait.

God, for those still waiting, I know you have a plan for their families too. Please give them peace and joy during the wait, and allow them to hold their child soon.

Praying for Baby

2010-12-18T10:01:00.000-05:00

"God, help him as he develops, please," is my continual prayer. During infertility, I longed to hold baby things. To start planning for a little one to enter our home. So I knew I'd love registering for gifts and organizing a nursery. (I can't wait for my January baby showers!) I knew we'd be this excited and grateful--despite how horribly cranky I was during the first trimester. But what I didn't think about was how much I'd be praying for our little guy. All those cries for God to please give me a child have now turned into; God, please be with this child. Help him develop, God. Protect him. Please give him a heart for you, a sweet spirit.

After taking a birth awareness class, my prayers are now; God be with his birth. While I think it's important to know what to expect during labor, it was hard for me to think about what could go wrong. At each of the three sessions of our birth awareness class, there was something (whether it was the actual birth video, a video of a cesarean, or passing around the forceps in class) that made me feel lightheaded.

God, you'll be with us during labor. I know you have a plan for our little one. Please allow him to be born at the right time. Help him to get in the correct position and for everything to go smoothly. And if there are complications, God, help me to trust you. Please help us to make the best decisions for the baby that you've given us to love and care for.

To Blog or Not to Blog

2010-11-23T09:10:00.000-05:00

In the midst of infertility, I couldn't help but blog. I often didn't even understand what I was feeling until I started writing, and then it was hard to stop. Now, I don't lie awake thinking of blog posts, or feel like I'm going to explode if I don't write my feelings down. My cries and prayers now are typically ones of amazement and thankfulness. But I don't feel as free, or as compelled, to write those, and I'm not sure why.

Is it that I'm so busy thinking about and planning for this baby that I don't have as much time? Maybe. I'm usually worn out after work. But why would I stop something that was so enjoyable and important to me just a few months ago? It might even be that I haven't figured out how to write about my excitement and have it sound as genuine, as raw. Yet I could always try.

Or, maybe it's because of the infertility community of bloggers. I was so glad to find this group. To find people who understood. But now that I'm pregnant, does writing about it seem like I'm bragging? I still read about so much heartbreak - years of infertility, multiple miscarriages. It reminds me of my own confusion and heartbreak. For me, it's hard to read those stories, remember what I went through, and then write a light post about how much I love the baby bedding set we registered for, the one that our aunt and uncle just purchased for us.

Maybe blogging, for me, is meant for a specific time. When I started this blog, I didn't have many other options for trying to process my emotions. I couldn't talk to my coworkers. My family and close friends cared, but it was hard for them to really understand. I felt compelled to write my prayers and that evolved into blog posts. Now though, I feel freer to express my emotions. People seem to understand my excitement. I can talk about infertility, and the fact that we're so grateful to have a son on the way. But how many blog posts can I write just about that? I guess I need a reason, a specific purpose, to keep blogging.

God, I felt like you wanted me to start blogging. That you had a purpose for this blog. But now? Please help me know how to spend my spare time, to know what you're calling me to. God, the thought that we've passed through infertility and actually have a son on the way is still too amazing to fully comprehend. I pray you'll bring each blogger the baby or babies you have for their family. Oh God, we feel so thankful and blessed. I long to hold this child. To count all his fingers and toes. To tell him I love him. Thank you for this love I already have, even before he's born. God, I know I'm only just beginning to understand the love we're capable of, the love you have.

A Reason for Infertility

2010-10-26T08:50:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I had one of those moments when I said this must be one of the reasons why I went through infertility: to be able to recognize someone else's pain.

I was at my friend's baby shower, the first shower I've attended since leaving the last one in tears and crying the whole drive home. (I swore I wouldn't go to another baby shower until I was either pregnant or had adopted a baby, and I didn't.)

A few months earlier, my pregnant friend confided in me that her sister-in-law had a miscarriage, right before my friend announced to her family that she was pregnant. I sat by her sister-in-law at the shower, and while I had met her only once before, I kept thinking that it couldn't be easy for her to be at any baby shower, much less this beautiful, elaborate one (a room completely done in pink) for her sister-in-law. I hesitated saying anything to her, but remembering what I felt like at the last shower I attended, I whispered to her that I had heard about her miscarriage, and that I was praying for her. I was afraid she was going to cry after I said that, but instead we spent the rest of the shower looking for opportunities to whisper about infertility and all that comes with it.

"No one understands how hard this shower is for me," she said, and I believe all of us who have experienced infertility can relate to that.

Also, in her situation, her due date would have been the same as my friend's. If that's not enough pain, her husband recently experienced an accident on the job and had to undergo complicated surgery, although the prognosis is good.

God, why do some people have to go through so much? I know you have a plan for her life. (She believes that too.) I know you can bring good out of any situation. I believe you have a child meant for her, but my heart hurts for her.

After hearing her story, I read back through my journal, thought about my own 2-year wait, and was reminded of all the anxiety and fear I was feeling, just a few months ago. And then, like always when I'm feeling emotional, I turned on a worship song, prayed, and cried.

I cried because so many of us go through infertility, and I cried because there are ways to resolve it. I cried out of thankfulness that after starting to believe that a pregnancy was no longer possible, I'm experiencing one. I pray my new friend experiences pregnancy or adoption as well.

I also couldn't help crying over the fact that I'm having a SON. We just found out less than two weeks ago, and my husband and I can't stop sharing the news. A boy. Amazing. We would be just as ecstatic if we were having a girl. As so many of you know, it doesn't matter if it's a he or she or what the child looks like, as long as the baby is ours.

The Longing

2010-09-28T08:48:00.000-04:00

I didn't expect to be pregnant and still be longing for my baby. To see the toddler sitting next to me at church, or the baby at the grocery store, and wish I could be the one holding a child. I thought this ache, felt so deeply during infertility, would go away when I got a positive pregnancy test. Or when I passed the 12-week mark and started to relax a bit. Maybe when I actually get a baby bump? When I know if I'm having a boy or girl?

It doesn't make sense to still be aching, my head knows that my baby is on the way. My head has always known that my baby was on the way, somehow. Is it just a mother's longing?

In my last post, confessions, I wrote about how embarrassed I was that pregnancy turned me into a whining, short-tempered, constantly cranky wife. Maybe I needed to blog about it, or maybe 14 weeks was the magical turning point. At 16 weeks, life is much better. I think my husband actually enjoys living with me again, on most days.

God, you know how much we long to be mothers. And yet the waiting, and even pregnancy, isn't easy. I know motherhood will be even more challenging, yet that's what you've placed in my heart and in so many others. Help us, God, to enjoy life now, even as we wait and prepare for the children you have for us.

Confessions

2010-09-12T18:10:00.001-04:00

I've been a little embarrassed to blog lately. Yes, I've been extremely busy (we had company two weekends in a row), but when other people aren't around, I haven't been the nicest pregnant woman. I didn't think I'd be like this. If infertility taught me anything, it was to be grateful. To remember the struggle, and to thank God every day for this miracle.

So what's my problem? I'm still thankful, I really am. Yet I haven't figured out how to be sweet when I feel like throwing up. Honestly, sweet isn't even close. It would be an improvement if I could just be silent when I'm hit with morning sickness and pregnancy fatigue. Instead, I'm whining to my husband that I had to get up too early, I've worked too long a day, I'm too tired to clean the house, too tired to do laundry, and why isn't he helping more? I seem to get irritated at everything. I cried, actually cried, when my husband bought me the wrong kind of granola bars. (See why I'm embarrassed?) I can hide it pretty well around other people, apparently. My boss: "You never act like you're feeling sick." My friend at church: "I can't imagine you being very cranky." My husband can. I guess he's the only one that I've had to apologize to, oh so many times.

It's my focus, I know. I need to stop and ask what's really important. I need to think about the baby more - maybe even carry around the ultrasound photo with me.

God, forgive me. I really want to enjoy this special time, and I feel like I'm failing with that. Please help me. I know I'm never going to be "good enough" to deserve this or anything else, but please, help me to be able to control my attitude. To honor you no matter how I'm feeling. Everyone says that the worst of the morning sickness and fatigue should be behind me now, but regardless, I need to change. Please help me to keep things in perspective, to control my tongue, to remember that I have a lot of hormones right now. Thank you, God, that I'm able to experience both the joys and challenges of pregnancy. Help me to overcome those challenges, please, while continuing to be grateful and to thank you for this amazing blessing. For those still waiting for their babies, please help them, God. Comfort them while they're waiting.

Have I Changed?

2010-08-14T21:17:00.001-04:00

Will we ever forget infertility? It can be resolved, of course, through a pregnancy, adoption, or the decision to live child free, but has it changed us?

I often wonder if I'm experiencing pregnancy differently than I would have two years ago, if we had conceived according to our timetable. I was already longing for children back then, so I know I would have been grateful, but to this extreme? There's something about going through such a painful time, it gives perspective, and compassion too, I believe.

As it is, I cried when I heard our baby's heartbeat.

I was elated - almost uncontrollably excited - to drive an hour and 40 minutes for a beautiful crib and dresser on clearance.

The baby is on my mind almost constantly, and I can't stop showing off the ultrasound photo. The doctor said we have a little show-off already. At our 9 week, 4 day ultrasound, the baby's arms and legs were moving constantly. It was adorable.

Our little one:

God, thank you. We are still in such awe. Please help this little one.

Please help the moms-to-be waiting for adoption referrals or a positive pregnancy test. Thank you that infertility doesn't last forever.

When I'm Afraid

2010-07-29T21:37:00.000-04:00

I've read that up to 25 percent of clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. I don't want to think that way. We're already completely in love with this child, even though the baby's face is just now developing. After so much longing and dreaming, I want to just enjoy browsing through pregnancy magazines and researching car seats. Yet I'll hear myself thinking, "there's still a risk, you know."

I never imagined the strength of this fear. You'd think I could just put those thoughts out of my head and be happy, as I should and often do. Yet reminders are everywhere. The nurse at my first obgyn appointment gave me a packet of information and several freebies. But right after giving me a trial box of formula, she handed me a form for the hospital, "but don't fill it out yet," she said. "Wait until you're at least 16 weeks in case something should happen." Thanks.

When I told another friend this week that I'm pregnant, she asked, "But you're not going to tell everyone until at least the end of the first trimester, right? Just in case." Again, thanks for that reminder.

Our family doesn't seem to be worried, thankfully. They're already planning baby showers.

Oh God, thank you for this baby. Please help me to trust you with this child. I know you love him or her more than we do. I already want to protect this little baby, but I know you're the only one who can. Help me to trust you, God. I'm choosing to trust you, when I'm afraid, and not fear.

Boycott the Book

2010-07-25T15:18:00.000-04:00

Ok, I won't actually tell you to toss out the "pregnancy bible," aka What to Expect When You're Expecting (WTE), since it does have a lot of great information. (I love the WTE app.) But I could hardly believe what I read on page 36 of the 3rd edition:

Q: "I conceived my baby through in vitro fertilization. Are my chances of having a healthy baby as good as anyone else's?"
A: The fact that you conceived in a laboratory rather than in bed doesn't affect your chances of having a healthy baby. ...

Were the authors trying to be funny? I can't imagine that any of us would laugh at that. After six IUIs, I felt offended reading that line. When you think of all the emotional distress, medical costs, and physical challenges surrounding infertility and IVF - couldn't the authors and editors have been just a bit more sensitive?

What about mentioning that if you conceived through IVF, you're not alone. According to the latest research, 1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility (according to specialists at New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center). Yes, those reading WTE are most likely pregnant, but that doesn't mean we've forgotten the struggle.

I see there's a 4th edition of WTE on bookshelves now. I really hope that line has been changed. Does anyone know?

Now, back to trying to come up with a list of questions to take to my first OB appointment tomorrow. (If I can just ignore page 36 long enough to do so.)

God, infertility brings so much heartbreak, and even resentment. Yet, as we sang in church this morning, you can take my sadness and turn it into joy. No matter the circumstance, I know you can bring peace. Help me to be sensitive to those still on this journey (please bring them their children, God!), and to those who have no idea what it's like to experience infertility.

Humbled Prayer

2010-07-19T20:52:00.001-04:00

It's really happening. There's a baby. A little circle, a baby the size of a sweet pea, showed up on the ultrasound screen last Thursday. It was beautiful. And I finally relaxed.

Before the ultrasound I kept alternating between being nervous that nothing would show up on the screen or wondering if we were having twins. We knew, after Femara and an ultrasound, that I had two follicles in June. Yet there's just one baby. DH said he was a little disappointed that we weren't having twins, but I felt such relief to just see a baby. Also, I couldn't help but think how much easier it will be to have one baby at a time instead of two. To think, it took two follicles to get one baby. We're just so grateful.

The only thing tempering my excitement is the fact that there are so many others still waiting for their miracle baby. You might be where I was - sure that a pregnancy is out of reach and not even able to imagine yourself picking out maternity clothes or ever feeling a baby kick. If that's you, please don't give up hope. Throughout this tough journey, I was comforted by the fact that I would be a mom somehow - through a pregnancy or adoption - although neither route was easy. Yet it will be worth it all. Someday.

Our little sweet pea:

God, thank you. I can't thank you enough lately. Please protect this little one and help the baby's growth and development. Help me to be a good mom, even now, as I'm trying to take care in what I eat and how much I rest. And please, please be with all the women in the IF community who are still waiting. God, the waiting is so hard. Hoping can be exhausting. Give them strength today, God, please.

Blessed

2010-07-11T20:14:00.000-04:00

More tears, more prayers. I was shocked last weekend to find … two pink lines on this cycle’s test! We were stopped for the night in Kentucky, on the way home from our family vacation, and I started yelling so loud that my husband said I was going to wake up the entire hotel. But then he saw why I was so excited.

“Do you see two pink lines too?” That was all I could ask him. We couldn’t say anything else for a few moments – could only hug each other and cry. We eventually prayed together right there, in the hotel bathroom. I wanted to thank God for this, this amazing blessing, even though it still seems unreal.

Worried that perhaps I conjured up a second line (I must have asked DH four times throughout the day if he really saw two lines too), we rushed to get in the car to make it back to Michigan before my RE’s office closed on Saturday afternoon. We made it five minutes before closing. The blood test confirmed it – pregnant with an HCG of 36.85. We called our parents and siblings, and they all cried on the phone with us.

After two years, is this really happening? It was the first cycle after the lap, and we hadn’t let ourselves hope. Now, I’ve had three more blood tests over this last week (even while I was out of state helping my pregnant sister move), and my numbers have more than doubled each time.

Yesterday, the HCG was up to 1447. To celebrate, my husband and I went to Babies R Us to walk around the entire store and just soak it all in. We finally let ourselves touch the baby blankets, talk about what stroller we want, pick out a frame for the ultrasound photo. We started to dream of what this baby may look like. I want to cry just thinking about it.

Oh God, thank you. Thank you! Please protect this tiny little baby. Help this baby to grow and develop and be the one we’re able to hold as our own in March. This is thrilling, yet God, there are so many others whose hearts are still hurting waiting for this blessing. Please help them feel loved, God. Please give them the babies they long for.

What a Vacation

2010-07-04T09:55:00.000-04:00

We’ve been lounging at a gorgeous beach – where my husband got pooped on by a bird. We walked through the beautiful water, and I swear I was pinched by a crab, although my husband says I probably just cut my foot on a seashell. We drove the two days home to Michigan – and I accidentally banged the front right of the car on a short cement wall. Sigh. Still, it’s vacation.

That’s why I haven’t been blogging lately, or commenting. We enjoyed our vacation time with my in-laws. My sister-in-law and her family were there too, so we played with our adorable nephew and two nieces in the pool and ocean.

Now, I’m leaving to help my sister move. I won’t have internet access for a few days, so I’m taking the chance now to wish you all a wonderful holiday weekend. Happy 4th of July, America!

God, thank you for this beautiful weather. For the time we have off work. For our family. Thank you for protecting us on our trip and for the chance to enjoy the ocean. I pray you’ll be with us on this 2nd trip too. Please protect our moving caravan and help the unpacking to proceed smoothly. Please be with the bloggers this holiday weekend, God. Help our IF community to feel supported and loved.

Loved

2010-06-28T07:25:00.000-04:00

Seven years ago today, we vowed to love each other, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do us part. I thought, then, that we'd go through poorer times, but I had no comprehension of the stress - panic - involved when jobs aren't available, there's still college to finish, and bills have to be paid.

We said, "in sickness," and I imagined us caring for each other in our 70s and 80s, but I didn't think about going through embarrassing infertility tests – and the emotional distress accompanying them - discovering endometriosis, and then recovering from surgery.

There were times I wondered if we'd make it together. If we'd make something of ourselves. So, if, seven years ago, I had looked down that aisle knowing then what I know now, would I still have walked?

With confidence.

I now laugh at the nervousness you can see in my face on our wedding video. Our lives haven't followed my expectations, yes. But I am loved. I know it every day. I am blessed. We have jobs and a home, even in this economy. If we never obtain parenthood, never acquire anything more that what we have right now, that’s ok. We have enough.

The man I married kisses our niece's head after she falls, cooks dinner and boasts about all the herbs he used from the garden, enjoys goofy dances, ocean vacations, and bragging about his financial genius.

I was 16 on our first date. 23 when we married. How could we have known, at those ages, how much we were meant for each other?

Or how happy we'd be 7 years later.

Thank you, God, for my husband. Happy Anniversary, hon. With love.

Obsessing

2010-06-23T17:03:00.000-04:00

Apparently I deal with worry and nervousness through obsessing over the things that I actually can control. There’s probably a psychological term for that.

Lately, I’ve been obsessed with trying to help my sister figure out the deals of her move (whether she wants my advice or not), and I’ve been obsessively making lists of all the things I need to do at work and home before going on vacation. I’ve even been stressing over the fact that I haven’t had time to devote to blogging or reading blogs.

But yesterday at IUI #6 (my first IUI post-lap), while telling the nurse about how busy I’ve been, the truth finally came out.

“I’m scared that this cycle won’t work,” I told her, “and that maybe endo wasn’t the only problem.” And then, of course, I couldn’t talk anymore because the tears came. Good grief. Those tears come so easily now.

I don’t know why this cycle is affecting me like this. I’ve dealt with all the, “What if this doesn’t work?” questions in the past. My husband and I both feel confident that we’ll have our children – either biological or adopted. But for some reason, this cycle, the first one after finding and abating endometriosis, has me obsessing over everything.

Part of it, according to my nurse, may be that we’ve been trying for so long – two years now – and I just want it to work this time, my hopes are so high.

But you know what else my nurse said? She really is sweet, I just wasn’t expecting this.

“I know you’re probably not drinking, especially since you’re trying to conceive, but sweetie, you may need a glass of wine.”

Huh. Is that all I need?

God, thank you that I’m finally relaxing more today. I want to rest right now – not after I’m packed for vacation, after my sister moves, or after my work deadlines have all been met. There will just be more deadlines, more stressors, more things on my to-do list. Please help me to truly rest knowing that you have everything under control. Why should I take it all on? And God, I know that even if endometriosis isn’t the only problem, you can still bring us a baby at the right time through birth or adoption.

Your advice? Please.

2010-06-16T09:33:00.000-04:00

Please pretend that you're me, for just a minute. You've decided to write an article on infertility, for work. It fits with the theme of the publication, but you're a little nervous about how to write about something that has, so far, been such a private, emotional topic. And, there is only room for 1,000 words. How do I approach such a complex topic and reduce it to one engaging 1,000-word informative piece? Any suggestions for what to include?

That's my challenge today. To outline my article. For this story, I'm interviewing my own RE (It should be interesting to switch into a professional role, for once, when talking to her.), a woman who gave birth to twins after several IVF cycles, and a couple who, after IVF, decided to adopt. Their stories alone are compelling, but I'm hoping for something more with this piece. What? I'm not sure yet. Should I try to write about the latest advances in IVF technology? To dispel myths on infertility? (Especially the, "Just relax, it will happen," line?) Should I interview a psychologist on the emotional struggle? I don't have enough space for all that. Is it enough to simply allow readers a little glimpse into this world? To basically say, "Hey, this is a medical issue that affects a lot of young couples - someone you know, in fact. Here's a little taste of what they're going through."

As a disclaimer, while I'm mentioning this work project, I am purposely blogging under a symbolic name. It's freeing. That said, I won't be able to link to the article once it's written. I hesitated even mentioning it here, except that I value the feedback from the IF community. I would love to hear your thoughts on what you'd want in an article on infertility. Any suggestions?

While this post may not lend itself as readily to a prayer, why leave it out? I often pray for creativity at work. God, thank you that you care about my work. Please guide me in everything I do. I would love your help with this article. Please allow me to discover the most important elements to include in this piece. Please help me to focus on what's really important and stop stressing over work, my sister's move, whether Femara is going to work this cycle. I want to work hard but rest, mentally, at the same time. I know it's possible.

Bittersweet

2010-06-11T08:09:00.002-04:00

Change: I don't like it. I'm not good at it.

That can include trying new things. Take fifth grade and the after-school basketball program. When the day came, my mom had to open the gym door and shove me inside.

Leaving for college: I cried. Graduating from college to return home: I cried.

Last week at my mom's retirement party, I teared up. So did she. She's a music teacher. An exceptional one. It was always apparent that her talents and her calling lined up with that career.

At work, we're currently making some changes that affect my job. They'll be improvements, but it's unsettling.

Now to the hardest change: My brother-in-law has just accepted a job in another state. About 9 hours away. I am glad that it will help his career. And yes, it has become a common occurrence for family and friends to leave Michigan looking for work. But to have my sister leave? My adorable 21-month-old nephew? I've seen him almost every week since he was born. And my sister has another baby on the way.

It was just after my nephew was born that my sister and I (along with our husbands, of course) both bought homes only 45 minutes apart. We talk on the phone every day. We see each other all the time. More than just a best friend and confidant, she's that person who knows me as well as I know myself - and loves me anyway.

I'd do anything for my sister. I guess that means being supportive right now. Prayers greatly appreciated.

God, this hurts. Yes, I want the best for them. But couldn't you have provided a job for him here? Or can you please transfer him back at some point? God, I'm just sad, really, not mad. Please take care of them there. They'll need your help. We'll need your help here too.

It's June, Again

2010-06-02T10:46:00.000-04:00

I love this month. The start of summer. The month of my wedding anniversary. Vacations. Hope. Maybe this June will be different. Perhaps it won't be like the last two.

Two years ago, June was such an exciting time. I was 28. My husband had just finished his degree program in April 2008, and in May he landed a job, amazingly, even in Michigan's tough economy. We were house hunting and thought we'd soon be planning for a baby. I was sure I'd be pregnant that month. And why not? My sister and sister-in-law were both pregnant. I was convinced we'd all have babies within just a few months of each other. My husband and I were no longer preventing a pregnancy (finally). My sisters and closest friends were all able to get pregnant without much trouble. Why should it be any different for us?

The worry began that winter, after months of negative pregnancy tests, but by June of 2009, I had hope again. My body must need just a little help. Clomid? Sounds great! I heard story after story of women who only needed one month on Clomid, and then a beautiful baby was born 9 months later. Again, that's how it would be for me, right?

So now, it's June again. I've just had a lap and my RE removed endometriosis. What a relief to have a more concrete diagnosis. To know that a problem, potentially THE problem, was abated. I'm starting to hear encouraging stories of women who immediately got pregnant after a lap. Could it be that way for us?

Yet, listen to that. It sounds so similar to years past. Could it be the same cycle again? Am I looking at another winter of disappointment? Another June of longing for a baby? Can I let myself hope this June?

God, I'm afraid this cycle of hope and disappointment may continue, but I know it won't, can't, go on forever. Whatever happens these next few months, we have made progress. Thank you for that. God, I believe you have children meant for our home. That you have, in fact, placed this desire to mother in my heart and that it will, eventually, be fulfilled.

Losing My Pre-Pregnancy Weight

2010-05-25T18:15:00.000-04:00

If I’m not pregnant, I’m going to be skinny. That’s what I’ve been telling friends when they notice that I’ve lost weight. I'm down 14 pounds since mid-January, 20 pounds less than what I weighed at the RE's office this time last year. I feel so good about myself, but really, I’ve only lost the pounds that I slowly gained over the last two years, my “pre-pregnancy” weight.

Has anyone else put on pre-pregnancy weight? I can't be the only one who has gained weight while trying to have a baby, right? At first I told my husband that I could have that bowl of ice cream because I’d soon be wearing maternity clothes anyway. My sisters were pregnant and eating for two, so why not me too? Then after each negative test, I’d have ice cream – or pizza or French fries – and tell myself that I deserve it. Well, while we should find ways to truly enjoy life, watching my belly expand and knowing that it wasn’t from a pregnancy … did I really deserve or want that?

I don’t want to advocate for a particular weight-loss program, but since January I’ve been counting points and was surprised by how easy it is. I can also tell that I like having control in this area. As all IF bloggers know, infertility makes you feel so completely out of control. I don’t want to obsess about my weight, but it’s such a help to know I can be in charge of this and feel so happy with the results.

For those of you stopping by for ICLW, my latest IF news is my recent lap. My RE found and abated endometriosis. Although I haven't weighed in yet since the lap, (and I've had my share of ice cream during recovery) fortunately my clothes are still loose.

God, I know you’re more concerned about my character than about a number on a scale, but I do believe you want me to be in control of what I eat. Help us to know that food doesn’t satisfy. Help us to find true contentment during this wait for a child.

Avoiding Garage Sales

2010-05-22T10:59:00.000-04:00

It's been a beautiful weekend so far, despite a little rain, and the garage sale signs are out everywhere. And with those signs are the baby items. I want to stop and buy, but I can't. I still stare though when I drive by houses with a nice-looking highchair in a driveway, a cute crib, a kitchen set, a sandbox, a little table for kids.

Why do I long for garage sale items? My husband doesn't understand. I tell him that it's been so long, our nephews and nieces are growing up so fast: We probably won't get the hand-me-downs from our sisters and friends that I expected. His reply: "So we're forced to buy new stuff, that's a problem?"

My sisters tell me that I'll have a baby shower and get everything I need then. I know. I'm hopeful that clearing out endometriosis will allow for a pregnancy. Either through a pregnancy or adoption, I will have a baby shower, someday. I know that the stuff isn't important. It's the baby. I really just long for the children to fill our home, right? But you can't seem to have a baby without all the accessories. So since I have always loved kids and shopping, since I was thrilled to finally start TTC never imagining that it would take over two years ... would it be best to just avoid garage sales altogether?

God, I'm just having one of those days when the longing seems more intense. Yet I know this wait hasn't been in vain. That you have children meant for us. You've given me a wonderful husband. It's been a painful journey, but I am happy. I want to continue to enjoy the waiting time. Thank you for another beautiful day.

Resting?

2010-05-18T12:13:00.000-04:00

My lap was just last week. I've been taking it easy, physically, since I’m still quite sore, but how do I slow my brain down? Why do I feel a compulsive need to be accomplishing something at all times? I keep thinking of items to research online, if I should be working from home, about the blogs I haven’t read, calls I could make, and a photo book I’d like to start on. Do I not know how to just sit?

This forced time of rest will be good for me, especially if I can learn how to balance my unscheduled time. To just thank God that the surgery went well, and that I have a little break from the usual housework and busy schedule. To find joy in lying around without thinking of all the things I said I'd do, "whenever I can find extra time."

God, I want to go through life feeling rested, mentally. Life will be even busier when our future children arrive. I want to have peace that overflows into everything I do. To be able to feel relaxed no matter how many, or few, events are on my calendar. Please help me learn how to really rest.

Could it be that easy?

2010-05-15T20:41:00.002-04:00

"Can't you just have a surgery, and then you'll get pregnant?" That's what my grandmother said last fall. She knew I had been seeing a reproductive endocrinologist for several months. I laughed and told her, "No, there are just pills and shots, Grandma, no surgeries." But now, could it really be that easy? A laparoscopy isn't necessarily easy, but could it really be as simple as finding and removing endometriosis?

The RE says that my endo was between stages 1 and 2, and while that is mild to moderate, it was enough to impact fertility. Now that the endo has been abated, she said the next few months are our best chances for conception and will "provide the most benefit from the surgery."

Should I worry about the endo growing back? My RE isn't concerned because, as she said, "pregnancy is great for endometriosis. It suppresses it." She went on to say that after I'm finished nursing my first baby, I'll want to take birth control pills to help control the endometriosis, until we'd be ready to have a second child. It was hard to concentrate on what she was saying after that. All I could think about was really, I could really be pregnant in the next few months?

God, I was starting to stop hoping for a pregnancy. I wanted to be content with whatever you have for me, and I pray I will be, still. I was beginning to think that we must be meant to be adoptive parents, and maybe we will be. God, if there's an adoptive child meant for our family, please still bring him or her to us, whenever and however that may happen. As for a pregnancy, could one really be just a few months away? I can hardly believe it. I'm so hopeful, but oh God, I want to just trust. To move ahead when I feel that you're directing me and to not worry about all the details.

Endometriosis

2010-05-12T09:13:00.000-04:00

"We found some endometriosis," my RE said. What? Really? Is it all cleared out? I remember asking her that in the recovery room on Monday, even though I could hardly keep my eyes open. "Yes," she said, "it's cleared out."

Maybe my RE said more that I don't remember, but I suddenly realized she was gone, and I just wanted to cry. The nurse must have noticed. She started feeding me ice chips and asked if I went through this surgery for fertility reasons. I shook my head yes, and she started into her own story about how she has lupus and had a hard time getting pregnant with her sons. I don't remember all of her story, but I know I focused on the fact that she eventually had her sons, and that the ice chips tasted absolutely wonderful.

The nurse, such a nice woman, soon asked if I wanted this little teddy bear, complete with a t-shirt of the surgery center. I said yes, but that my husband will make fun of me since I'm 30 years old. Her reply: "Did he have to go through surgery?"

And my husband has been so sweet and attentive, of course. I know he was nervous too. We're not sure what to think about endometriosis. We were wanting answers, and we hope and pray this surgery will increase our chances for pregnancy, but who really wants to have endometriosis? I don't know yet what stage of endo I have, or had. Will it come back? My husband didn't get to talk to the RE for long either, so we're both looking forward to my post-op appointment.

In the meantime, I haven't been in much pain as I'm just sitting in the recliner with a heating pad on my back and shoulders; I'm taking my pain pills on schedule; and I've been careful not to let anything hit those three small incision spots. The hardest part is keeping my cat from jumping in my lap and stepping on my stomach.

God, thank you. Even though I was nervous before the surgery, I could feel that you were with me, and that I would be fine. Thank you for giving me such a peace about the fact that we'll have children, someday.

A Mother's Day Prep

2010-05-09T17:36:00.000-04:00

Well, not only am I not a mom yet this Mother's Day, but I'm at home completing the bowel prep before the lap tomorrow - yuk. It's ok though. We're all willing to go through labor for our future children, so what's a bowel prep and laparoscopy, right? Oh, and they're adding on a hysteroscopy too.

Thank you to everyone who asked to see nursery photos after my last post. I love the room. It's set up for watching my nephew and niece right now, with my sister's pack 'n play. My cat, Owen, jumped in to check things out right before I snapped the picture.

God, I'm hoping to find answers from this diagnostic surgery tomorrow, but I know no matter what the doctor says, you hold my life in your hands. You're able to open and close wombs, you're able to bring us a child through adoption. I don't want to try to guess how you're going to work in this circumstance, but to just let your plan for me unfold, and then look back on how you orchestrated my life according to a larger purpose.

It's Painted Green

2010-05-05T13:34:00.000-04:00

The room is ready. We painted our nursery on Sunday afternoon. It's now a lovely green. We have the best room in the house, the bedroom with the high ceiling and the big beautiful window that overlooks the front yard, saved for this baby. For our baby, who will soon be in our home through a pregnancy or adoption.

I didn't realize just how much my heart has opened toward adoption until a conversation I had this weekend with my grandmother. I was telling her about the orientation and what all is involved with adoption, and while she's definitely supportive, we ended that conversation with my grandma saying, "Well, hopefully you won't have to adopt."

Have to? It was an innocent statement. It's something I've thought many times. If this lap on Monday is successful at clearing out endometriosis, maybe we won't "have to" adopt. But when she said it, I started instantly arguing in my head. I couldn't get the words out, but I wanted to explain that I don't think of it as "have to," anymore. Last year, I did think of it that way. Even a couple months ago. But now, I feel that it would be such a privilege to adopt. To be the parent of a newborn baby, biological or adopted, will be an honor. It won't be easy, of course, but it will be worth it.

God, please continue to help us as we prepare for this baby that we know is coming, one way or another.

At the Right Time

2010-04-29T13:33:00.000-04:00

"If God is bringing a child to you, He already knows that child completely. He knows if your child prefers dogs or cats and what he or she will eat for dinner on a Tuesday night 10 years from now. He knows when this baby will be conceived, what you'll be thinking when you hold your child for the first time, and how you're going to decorate the nursery. We wait blindly, but with faith; God sees everything and promises to remain faithful."
--Ginger Garret, Moments for Couples Who Long for Children

I love that paragraph. As much as I want a child now, I pray that the right child will arrive in our home at the right time. As hard as the waiting is, I take comfort in that.

This two-year journey has taught me so much already. One of my major realizations: I can't "earn" the right to become a mom. It's simple, but for so long, I thought I needed to prove that I deserve it. I would even volunteer to babysit my nephews and nieces, and my friends' kids, to show myself, and God, that I could handle it. (See God, I even watched my five-week-old nephew overnight; you can let me become a mom now.) I really have enjoyed babysitting though, for the most part.

Still, I have often tried to show God that he can bless me now. If I just keep a good attitude, reach out to others, "surrender" my desires -- isn't that enough? But if it was, then I'd still be in control of the situation, right? And the truth is that no one is "deserving." It's mercy. If I truly believe God is the one in control, and that he will work all things out according to his will for my life, then the timing is all up to him, no matter how "good" I am. It's freeing, really. He knows my heart. He knows what needs to happen in my life to accomplish a larger purpose.

God, I want to live with purpose and joy while I'm waiting, rather than kick and scream because I don't have what I want, yet. I do believe you're leading us, that I'm closer, now, to becoming a mom. Oh, I am looking forward to the day when you give me a child to care for, but in the meantime, please help me to recognize the opportunities you've placed all around me.

Without So Many Tears

2010-04-24T22:48:00.000-04:00

Besides a break from infertility treatments, I’ve had a break this month from meltdowns. (I’m not counting the one or two minor ones, of course.) After 10 medicated cycles, I was starting to think that these highs and lows were part of my personality now. It’s been such a relief to know that I can feel normal again. I think I'm in the 1ww, but instead of anxiously analyzing every potential pregnancy symptom, today I don't even know my cycle day. Can you believe how far I’ve come?

The laparoscopy is just a couple weeks away now. I should be hoping and praying that the RE doesn’t find endo, but I would love to have some answers. I realize that I've been researching adoption so much this month because I'm a little nervous about what the lap could show. I don’t want to put all my hopes on the lap. In that respect, the adoption orientation was just what I needed. I know adoption isn’t easy, and we don’t know yet how we’d finance it, but I left there knowing that come what may, we will one day have a baby of our own.

Oh God, help us to be able to accept the results of the lap, and move forward, regardless of what the doctor says. I know you can give us a baby, at the right time, no matter the circumstances. And if adoption is the answer, I know I would love an adopted child with everything I have, there would be no difference that way. I’d pray for the birth family too.

Adoption 101

2010-04-19T13:00:00.002-04:00

Adoption seems less overwhelming now. There is still so much involved, but the orientation last week was great in helping me understand how we could build our family this way.

While I had tried to research adoption online, there is so much out there. Laws vary from state to state and programs are different, but here are the basic steps that my husband and I would take if we adopt through a domestic infant program with an agency in Michigan:

1. We’d submit an application and application fee.

2. Participate in a home study/assessment. (This is all the paperwork, interviews, background check, finger printing, recommendations, etc.) With this particular agency, we’d pay for the home study but not pay any further adoption fees until step six.

3. Create a profile for review by birth parents. There's so much I could say here. From the recommendations this agency gave, I'd create multiple copies of a photo book (through one of the many websites that offer them), and I'd also create a YouTube video that would be posted on the agency's website. The objective is to give the birth parents a chance to get to know us.

4. Be matched with a pregnant birth mom who has selected our profile. I'd expect to be matched within a year, hopefully even sooner. Once selected, we’d meet the birth parents for a pre-birth meeting at the adoption agency. There's oh so much more I could talk about in this step, the potential for additional fees at this point, the difference between open/semi-open/closed adoptions, but these would be great topics for future posts if we pursue adoption.

5. Go to the HOSPITAL and pick up the baby after getting a call from the adoption agency. I was thrilled to hear this. I would love to care for a precious baby right from the start, but I didn't know if I could hope for that. With this agency, you fill out paperwork to be a pre-adoptive home.

6. Go to court. In Michigan, the birth parents have until the court hearing to change their minds. The hearing would take place in my county of residence 1-5 weeks later, depending on the court schedule. In court, the birth parents relinquish their rights to the child. From that day forward, the baby is legally the adoptive family's child.

I have the highest respect for birth parents who consider adoption. They're truly giving an amazing gift to someone like me and my husband. I hope this post may give others a little glimpse into adoption. Please feel free to leave a comment or email me with questions. I’d love that, even if I don’t know the answer yet.

God, please continue to lead us. Help us to know if adoption is the path you want us to take. I know it won’t be easy, but God, I know you can place the right children in our home. We long for that, but I want to continue to trust you with the timing. Please help me to make the most of the time I have right now.

Our Adoption Orientation

2010-04-14T19:58:00.001-04:00

While we're not finished with infertility treatments yet, my husband and I attended our first adoption orientation last night. I was scared to go, honestly. I told DH, "What if we find out something that makes us not want to adopt, or we're not able to adopt, and then what if we don't have any options?"

DH was more realistic, as usual. "Look at me. We've already researched this. You're not going to find out anything major that you wouldn't have already read about online." Good point.

Most of what I heard was vaguely familiar from my research. The wonderful thing about the orientation is that they gave specifics. I learned oh so much. The two social workers, who I've decided are amazing women, packed in a ton of information in the two-hour orientation.

What I found the most interesting is the overall procedure for infant domestic adoption, which I'll share in my next post. It's not an easy process at all, but I left that orientation saying that we could do this. My husband feels the same way. His main concern is how we'd finance it, but I know we'd find ways to save and earn extra money.

God, I don't want to rush into anything, but thanks for giving me hope. I know there's a baby meant for us. Maybe through a pregnancy and maybe through adoption. Maybe we'll have children both ways. Oh, I am looking forward to the time when I can hold my baby. God, if we're meant to adopt, please help us with that process. Please be with the birth parents who are deciding if they should make an adoption plan or parent the baby themselves. Give them strength and direction, please. If they choose to parent their child, please give them support.

Guarding My Heart

2010-04-11T18:24:00.000-04:00

I have been surprised at how much I'm enjoying this break already. Taking time off from infertility treatments is just ... freeing. I'm glad we made this decision, and I'm completely convinced my husband and I need this time together without worrying about medicine, shots, and IUIs.

While I say that, and it is true, today I realized that I'm starting to distance myself. I didn't ask to hold the new baby at my nephew's 6th birthday party on Saturday (a relative of my relatives). I didn't ask the new mom all the questions I would normally ask, or tell her how beautiful her baby is (and the baby really is adorable). I sincerely tried to enjoy the party but felt absolutely exhausted after it was over. I'm wondering if emotions could possibly have made me that tired or maybe it was simply the end of a busy week.

Then this morning at church another friend told me that she's expecting. I'm really happy for her, and I told her that, genuinely. Then I wondered why I didn't seem to feel my usual ache upon hearing the news. Just a numbness. I pictured myself continuing to congratulate others for years to come, while realizing that for me, it will be different.

I do know without a doubt that I will be a mom. I will have a baby, our baby, sleeping in a crib in the beautiful room that will be the nursery. Our kids will play on the playscape in the backyard. Will they be biological children? Maybe, maybe not. It won't matter.

God, am I trying to guard my heart by distancing myself? How do I keep from putting up barriers when I'm around pregnant women and new moms? Please keep me focused on the path you want me to take. Help me to show your love to everyone, pregnant women and new moms included.

What do you do on a break?

2010-04-07T10:05:00.000-04:00

It was the right decision for us to take the month of April off from infertility treatments. I know that. Yet I was still a little sad over the weekend. I kept asking myself what I should do this month to feel like I’m moving forward in life.

Perhaps the answer is as simple as spring cleaning and organizing, or pruning our overgrown bush. I know there are plenty of projects around the house to keep me busy, not to mention that we have our nephew’s birthday party this weekend and the following Saturday I’ll be volunteering with a church service project.

Then there is also the anticipation of the adoption orientation. I made a reservation for one next week and was on such a high after making that call that I felt like announcing it to my entire office. But I didn’t. It reminded me of all those times I wanted to shout that I was probably pregnant – and that I’d know for sure next week. Good thing I’ve been able to restrain myself.

So I’m back to researching adoption. The agency said to bring our questions to the orientation, but I’m not sure what all to ask yet. (If you have any suggestions on adoption questions or even what to do on this break, I’d love to hear your thoughts.) I’ve been searching online, but found that if I read too much on adoption at one time, I start to feel overwhelmed. It’s certainly not an easy route to parenthood.

God, please guide us and give us peace about the steps we’re taking toward parenthood. I don’t want to rush into adoption, but I don’t want to miss a wonderful opportunity either. Thank you for this time off, and please help us to enjoy the break, serve others, and know that we’re one step closer to having our baby, however he or she enters our family.

Making it a Good Friday

2010-04-02T22:29:00.001-04:00

Not the miracle Good Friday I was hoping for. I've really appreciated the prayers, as I've handled the negative today better than others. It still hurts, of course, but I haven't felt as devastated. Now, I'm grieving the fact that this journey could still take quite some time.

My DH suggested that we go ahead and attend an adoption orientation in April, so we know more about that possibility. While I know adoption can be a long and difficult process as well, it was still so encouraging to hear him say that, especially since we've decided not to undergo any infertility treatment in April and just wait for the results of the lap in May. In some ways, it seems like such a relief to think of a month without Menopur shots, blood draws, ultrasounds, and IUIs. I do believe it's the right decision for us, (DH says we need to look to the long term) but it's not easy for me. Until this cycle, I've always been so optimistic that a pregnancy would happen soon. I'm finally trying to prepare my heart for another long wait.

The hardest part today has been trying to rid my mind of all the depressing thoughts: This was your last chance for a baby in 2010. What if the lap doesn't show any endo? You're already 30, you know. What if you never experience pregnancy?

I finally told DH, "I'm just having a hard time thinking that this may never happen."

My DH doesn't usually say much and just responds with hugs, which I love. But this time, he had this reply: "You don't have to think like that. All you need to think about is how much I love you. How we're going to have a happy life together. How we will have children one way or another. We'll laugh and enjoy them, and they'll drive us crazy." He might have said more except for my tears at that point. It was a healing cry.

God, you've already blessed us so much with each other. Please, God, help me to remember that waiting for a baby doesn't place our life on hold. I want to serve others, provide comfort, move forward with other plans. I want to enjoy dreaming of the babies that will be in our home, eventually. And God, please continue to be with the other women who know this pain and long for the same thing.

Will it be a Good Friday?

2010-03-31T09:05:00.002-04:00

My pregnancy test this cycle falls on Good Friday. The day to remember Christ's suffering. If it's another negative, I should just pull out The Passion of the Christ DVD and get all my tears out at once. Then by Easter Sunday, I hope I can sincerely celebrate the day with my family and nephews and nieces no matter the result of the test.

Oh my heart just feels so weary of all this waiting and hoping. I'm nervous already about the test. I'm making it harder on myself thinking that this cycle may be one of our last chances before we decide to stop and adopt. There's no reason to put that pressure on myself, I know. There will definitely be more chances for pregnancy, chances that might even be greatly improved after the lap if endo is removed. My head knows that, but oh, the waiting and longing is just never easy, is it?

I read such a comforting devotion today in Ginger Garrett's Moments for Couples Who Long for Children. The topic was on what it means to surrender. I realized that I've often told God I want to surrender this circumstance to him, but even while saying that, I've hoped that my "humble" stance would bring about a pregnancy even quicker. Here's what Ginger wrote about that:
The false belief is that if we can muster up enough of this feeling of surrender, if we can somehow cast aside this burning desire for a child, then God will finally act on our behalf ... If surrender equals success, this would mean that the power to answer our prayers lies in our hands, not God's. ... We don't have to rid ourselves of natural God-given desires before God will act on our behalf. Surrender isn't some magical key to unlock God's heart ..."

She continues by saying that we may "never get a complete grip on all of the emotions that burst within us." I loved that, as it's so true. God, I do want to give you my worries and fears. Please take them. Now as for my desire for a child, you know my heart on that and you know the future. I just pray there's a purpose for this waiting time, and that you'll help me be open to whatever your plan is for me, even if the answer to my prayers for a baby this cycle is, "not yet."

Finding my Identity

2010-03-27T15:46:00.000-04:00

“I never thought of my identity as wrapped up in my ability to conceive a child—until the doctors told me I couldn’t get pregnant.”

-Ginger Garrett, Moments for Couples Who Long for Children

While I had started dreaming about adoption possibilities, and about finding my identity as a mom through that route, I put the adoption book and information packet up on the bookshelf yesterday. I finally realized I can’t research it on my own. There are too many options, too many concerns (which agency, how to finance it, open or closed adoption), and I just don’t think I can or should try to wade through all that on my own. I need my husband’s input. He says he’ll be ready to discuss it when the time comes (when we’ve exhausted our medical efforts to combat infertility), but not before then. I do understand.

But oh, that research was at least some distraction from the 2ww, and the 1ww left. Dreaming during the 2ww was so much easier for me than how I’ve been acting lately—thinking about the possibility of endo and trying to brace myself for another negative.

God, I want my hope to be in you, not in medical treatments or adoption agencies. I’m just afraid of my body failing me, again.

“I wanted my body to perform so that I could fulfill my identity in becoming a mother. God wanted me to entrust my body, with all its flawed physical processes and weaknesses, to Him”

-Ginger Garrett, Moments for Couples Who Long for Children

God, please help me know what I’m supposed to do during this time. Please continue to show me who I am supposed to be, to develop the identity and character that you want me to have, regardless of when I’ll finally be a mom.

Thank you to everyone who has commented lately. I have greatly appreciated your perspective on adoption and treatment options and your encouragement. Comments really do feel like hugs. Thank you!

Patience

2010-03-23T21:12:00.000-04:00

So it’s the 2ww after IUI #5. I blogged last month about how I usually handle it by dreaming that I’m pregnant. But this month, I actually haven’t dreamt about pregnancy at all. I haven’t let myself. After the RE mentioned her concerns about something else preventing a pregnancy—possibly endometriosis—I’ve been so focused on trying to plan ahead. We scheduled the lap (May 10). I’ve started researching adoption (since we decided we’d pursue adoption over IVF).

At times I think I can’t take this long wait for a child, and I want to throw myself completely at the adoption process. Adoption may take such a long time, and I feel like I’ve been waiting oh so long already. (God, please say I’ve waited long enough.) Would it hurt if we attended some adoption orientation sessions? Started applying to agencies, looking at how we could save money or raise funds, begin to work on a profile, schedule a home study? At least I’d be doing something. But, there’s my husband to think about.

“Just wait and see what happens in this cycle,” he says. He’d rather not talk about adoption at all yet. I thought it was because he didn’t want to go there in his mind—he’s hoping this cycle is the one, of course—but you know, now I think it’s because he knows me. He knew I’d act like this and get ahead of things. And really, it’s not just this cycle. We really need to wait and find out the results of the lap and see what the RE thinks about our chances after that.

So is this adoption obsession my way of trying to cope with the 2ww? Of trying to maintain hope when I’m worried that I may never hold my own baby? Am I trying to make myself think that another negative won’t hurt as much because I have a back-up plan? Adoption is a wonderful option that we may very well pursue, but I know it has to be at the right time.

Oh God, you know my heart. You know this pain, and you know better than I do why it hurts so much—how I can be genuinely happy but then ache at the same time. Right now I feel like I just want any baby, the sooner the better. Please help me to take comfort in knowing there’s a specific baby meant for us at a specific time. Help me to be able to wait for that.

Bring It

2010-03-19T09:54:00.000-04:00

Can I hope that maybe IUI #5 is the one? This morning is the first of our back-to-back IUIs this month. I've been so hopeful during this long process. While all the disappointments have been hard, of course, I feel a little stronger now. More ready to handle the future. Does that make sense? Perhaps that comes through pain and longing—a sense of it's ok, bring it. I'm ready.

The shots, blood draws, and IUIs have helped toughen me up a little bit. Our marriage feels stronger too. My DH and I have always enjoyed spending time together, but there’s just something about going through a challenge that involves us both, and knowing that we will, at least eventually, overcome it together—it's comforting. We've found ways to handle the negatives together, whether it's spending the whole day at IKEA (that was last cycle), walking around the mall (we headed to the mall after several cycles) or going to see Avatar (that was in January, I think). We’re also still keeping our hopes alive by planning for our future children. DH is determined to get the nursery painted. (“We’re going to need this room and I’m going to get it ready,” he said.) I love him.

But right now, God, I don't know if I can, or should, hope this month. Are we meant to be adoptive parents? I've still been hoping that even if we are supposed to adopt, that maybe we will still, someday, be biological parents too. God, I don't know what your plan is for us. I'm probably just supposed to pray and let it unfold, huh? I don't like not knowing what's to come. I don't like not being able to make it happen myself, but I have to get over that. And I've been working on it. God, I can already tell that you've been working in me about this, haven't you? I feel like it's getting easier to let go of how I think it should happen. I want to embrace whatever you have for me. Please help me as I'm trying to just trust you, to live out a purposeful life where you've placed me, and to take joy in the unexpected.

A New Hope

2010-03-16T09:16:00.000-04:00

Got to love the emotional high of injection week. While I’m going through the motions of getting the Menopur injections this week, I think this is the first month, in 22 months, that I’m not completely certain I’m about to be pregnant. Of course I would love to be, (I’m still me) but this time I have to look ahead. I can’t think that all my hopes and dreams rest on this one IUI cycle. And of course, they don’t.

So yes, we’re still waiting on this IUI cycle and then the results of my lap in May, but having decided that, for now, we’d pursue adoption over IVF, (I’ll have to blog about how we came to that decision in another post, when I have lots of time.) I ran out to pick up my first book on adoption. I bought The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting by Laura Christianson. While I still long to be pregnant and have children that look like me or my husband, I’m feeling less overwhelmed by the thought of adoption. The idea is starting to give me hope.

Another book I’m enjoying is Moments for Couples Who Long for Children by Ginger Garrett. It’s a daily devotional based on her experience with infertility and addresses some of the same thoughts and concerns I’ve expressed in this blog.

God, thank you for these resources, for the blogging community. We’re not alone in this. You do have a plan for our lives. We can live out your purposes even while the longings and waiting continues. Please help me to keep hoping, and to continue to find joy in life right now.

Our Options

2010-03-12T08:31:00.000-05:00

We may be nearing the end of infertility treatments. Can hardly believe I typed that. I've been playing worship music almost constantly. Needed that massage yesterday. Should have scheduled one after the appointment too, but I’m way too cheap for that.

So, for the appointment. The RE, a really sweet woman, says that my cycles have looked great, I obviously respond well to the medications. So why am I not pregnant yet? She said that it could be an issue that’s hard to diagnose (like fertilization defects, implantation issues, tubal factors). Or, it could even be endometriosis. Really? That was a complete surprise. I thought, based on the tests performed a year ago like the HSG, that endo had been ruled out. No, we’d need a laparoscopy to do that. A lap could confirm endo and possibly remove some adhesions, if found. We’re scheduling a lap for a couple months out.

In the meantime, we’re going ahead with another hybrid cycle, this time with an increased dosage of Menopur and back-to-back IUIs. If this cycle doesn’t work, we could potentially do one more of the same, but the RE thinks more negatives would be further confirmation that something else is preventing a pregnancy.

Our RE asked us again about IVF. We have considered it. And while we’re not saying we’d never do an IVF cycle, my husband and I both feel more comfortable (for oh so many reasons) about pursuing adoption at this time, over IVF.

Oh God, help us. Direct us. Heal us from this. This is so much. So much hurt. Too many painful thoughts. Can’t even think about never being pregnant. Yet I do trust you. I do have confidence that we’ll have our children, somehow. That you can create miracles through biology or adoption. But in the meantime, will I always have this little ache?

Moving On

2010-03-10T10:25:00.000-05:00

I think it was all the prayers, as I was amazed at how fast I was able to bounce back from Saturday’s negative. Yes, Saturday was crushing, but by Sunday my husband and I were celebrating our niece’s 4th birthday and eating princess cake. DH was even talked into golfing in the snow with our nephew, and I had to make the birthday girl happy by joining her in dressing up like a princess. (Ok, I admit it. I loved playing dress-up with her, even if the only thing that would fit me was Snow White’s headband.) We even spent time that evening with our friends and played some games.

By Monday, I was talking with my sister about what it will be like when her second child is born this fall, and I was able to hear all about it and plan with her without that overwhelming ache that I felt over the weekend. (It's just a little ache now.)

But now, with the looming appointment tomorrow—the one where we’re going to talk to the RE about our next steps—I feel completely wound tight. It shouldn’t be that stressful. We already know that we’re going to do another hybrid cycle this month and just double the dosage of the Menopur injections. But still. To think of hearing about what options we have left, and imagining that there aren’t many without going to IVF, makes me nervous. Knowing how I get, I took the entire afternoon off tomorrow and scheduled a short massage before the appointment. Maybe that will keep me from tearing up while we talk about our options. There shouldn’t be anything to cry about, but with infertility, you just never know.

God, please help me to be able to relax and just trust you. Thank you that you hear me, that you care, and that you’re giving us comfort during this.

What now?

2010-03-06T12:56:00.000-05:00

In the early hours of the morning, I let myself dream. In my mind, I saw those two pink lines. I imagined finding out my due date, just a week after my younger sister’s. I thought about how we’d be shopping together for our maternity clothes, then clothes for our babies. We’d be telling each other how we just felt our baby kick. And hey, our due dates would be close enough that we could even stress out our family and both be in the hospital at the same time, wouldn’t that be fun? And in my dream, we both had girls.

But no, as you’ve probably guessed, it’s still not my time. Only one pink line for me. I haven’t had the negative confirmed yet from the RE’s office (they require a blood test every time), but the home test should be accurate by today.

Oh God, I don’t know what to think. I’ve felt almost numb this morning. There have definitely still been tears, but I just don’t know. Where’s the faith that I’ve had all these months, years now? The faith that says this is going to happen, it’s just taking time. Now, I just don’t know. I’m still longing. Still trusting and believing that God has a plan, but what if pregnancy isn’t part of that plan? It hurts to say that, but it could be true. God, you know I will still put my faith in you no matter what. I will still seek to live out your purpose for my life. God, you know how much this hurts. Please help. And please continue to help the others who know this pain, and who are also longing for families of their own.

Surviving the 1ww

2010-03-04T07:49:00.000-05:00

Remember when I said I loved the 2ww? Well, not the end of it. I find I’m obsessing over little things right now, and I think it’s an effort to ignore any thoughts of test day on Saturday. I know I’m going to take it hard if the test is negative, again. After nine medicated cycles, four of which included IUIs, three of which included injectables, I’m having a hard time with the thought of it not culminating in a positive.

Yes, I’ve surrendered this to God. Yes, I’m trusting in his timing and his plan. Yes, I’m pursuing peace, and think I’m typically my happy, hopeful self. But I still want to cry about it. I just felt like crying all day yesterday, for no real reason.

I don’t like not having a plan for next month if this Saturday’s test is negative. I have a tentative appointment set up with the RE next week so we can form our plan then, if needed. But in the meantime, I’m trying (not necessarily succeeding, but trying) not to worry about that appointment and what options we might discuss.

Oh God. Yes, I’ll be able to handle anything with your help, but oh God, please help. Please help me to focus on what I should be doing now instead of worrying. You’ve already led us through tough times, and I know you’ll be with me throughout this one. I have so many blessings; I don’t want to be consumed by the one I have yet to receive. I am so thankful for what I do have, really I am. And God, I know you can create life and perform a miracle here. Please. Or God, if adoption is the answer, please help me to know that.

Tears

2010-03-01T12:38:00.000-05:00

It was great to finally be back at my own church yesterday. We had missed the last two weeks because we were out of town (Chicago!) and then at a funeral. I had heard from friends that on Valentine’s Day our church prayed for barren wombs to be open. Wow. I couldn’t believe I missed it! Then yesterday, our worship pastor announced that the prayer wall was still up. This was new. I went over to check it out, and in a corner of the room there was a nice display, several verses handwritten on large papers, suspended from wires that were connected to wooden polls. There were even comfy, round rugs below so you could sit, read, and pray. I walked along reading each of the verses. One was on God’s love, but I honestly can’t remember what the others said. The only one I remember clearly is the one I fell down in front of: “And God remembered her. He listened to her cries and opened her womb,” (Gen 30:22). Underneath that was the verse: “For nothing is impossible with God,” (Luke 1:37). While I thought I had already cried enough over all this, I couldn’t help adding a few more tears. They were good tears though.

God, I know not everyone who longs to have biological children will have them. So God, it’s up to you whether you want to open my womb or lead us to adopt. Thank you for reminding me that you hear my cries, and those of all the women who dream about being a wife and mother, but who have yet to see those desires fulfilled. I take comfort knowing that you care, that you have a plan, and that I can have peace no matter how long I have to wait.

Always the Babysitter

2010-02-27T15:30:00.002-05:00

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick,” (Proverbs 13:12).

I thought of that verse while my husband and I were watching my 1-year-old nephew last night. He behaved so well for us, content that our focus was completely on him. While I always enjoy the time I spend with my nephews and nieces, my longings are even more intense around them, and I can’t help but get extra emotional. In December, my husband and I watched my 1-year-old niece for an entire weekend (my other sister’s third child), and I would have been happy to keep her indefinitely. After dropping her off, I cried the whole way back home.

The worst part are the thoughts that haunt me when I’m babysitting: Will you ever be packing a diaper bag for one of your own? Of course I will, whether my future children are biological or adopted or both, I will have them. So will it ever be your baby on a ultrasound image? Will you ever feel a kick in your womb, or waddle around with a big pregnant belly? That, I just don’t know. Yes, I want to experience that, but honestly, it’s not up to me. If nothing else, all these months of medicine and injections and IUIs have shown that it’s definitely not in my control.

God, you know how much I’m hoping that this is the time. That conception has already taken place. My progesterone test came back today showing high numbers again, which is great. God, I want to believe that I’ll be a mom soon, but the only thing I can know for certain is that you hold my life in your hands. Please help me to be truly content with your timing and your plan for my life. That's my prayer for all of us with unfulfilled longings. Help us, God, to find our comfort and peace in you.

Dreams

2010-02-24T08:07:00.001-05:00

After IUI #4 on Monday, I’m now in my favorite part of the cycle – the two week wait (2ww). I love the 2ww! You may think I’m crazy. I hear that other people can’t stand this time and are constantly looking for something to take their mind off it. For me, this is the time I get to dream. I imagine that conception and then implantation is taking place, because, as you know, it might be. This is the time I hope, plan (by reviewing my potential baby names, of course), and pray with such anticipation. I can listen to young moms talk about their babies, and I can ask pregnant women about their nursery colors and baby registries because, after all, I may be pregnant myself. It’s not until I get that negative test that I wake up to reality. It’s when I’m dealing with another negative and waiting for the next ovulation time when I struggle the most.

While the pregnancy dream is one I’ve had now for several years, even before we started TTC almost two years ago, I know that can’t be my only goal in life. Yes, I’m going to be a great mom someday (just look at all the confidence I have right now, before I have a toddler throwing tantrums), but shouldn’t I have other dreams too? I love spending time with my husband, family, and friends. We used to have regular game nights, before our siblings and friends got so busy with their young kids. I enjoy my communications job, writing and editing for a university. I volunteer at my church and find that so rewarding, especially helping with the program where we provide free baby clothes and items to moms in need. But I don’t dream about any of that. It’s usually rather routine, although listing them here I’m realizing all over again the blessings I’ve already been given. Am I too focused on the baby dream?

God, what dreams do you want me to have? If it’s not my time to be a mom yet, what else should I be dreaming about?

Joy

2010-02-23T13:58:00.002-05:00

Welcome to those stopping by for ICLW. If you leave a comment or follow my blog (LOVE that), I’ll be happy to return the favor.

Yesterday was IUI #4 – here’s hoping this is the cycle! Also, yesterday Infertility: A Type A’s Nightmare was so sweet to send me the Happy 101 Award. That is the challenge, isn’t it? To have joy in the midst of infertility. To find happiness and contentment in the blessings I have, even while waiting for what’s yet to come.

With this award comes a list of 10 things that make my day, and then a list of other deserving blogs.

What Makes My Day

1. My husband

Time with him always makes my day, whether we’re laughing together at the RE’s office or making dinner. (Actually, DH makes our meals since he is, by far, the better cook.)

2. Leaving work

Ha, don’t we all love 5:00? But it’s leaving work knowing that with my current communications job for a university, I’m doing something I enjoy in the field I trained for in college.
3. Family/Friendship
I love the constant calls from my sisters (even if it’s just to tell me that one of them found jeans for only $10), the conversations with my mom and mom-in-law, and all the emails and texts from family and friends.
4. Music
More than just listening to music, I love worship. I love singing or playing the keyboard at church when there’s a song that is so encompassing I feel I no longer have to think about the chords or the words - I’m just connected to God, expressing my heart through the music.
5. Encouraging Comments
Love getting them both on the blog and in person. On Saturday, the nurse at the RE’s office said the whole staff is just waiting to see my future redheaded baby. How sweet was that?
6. Attention from My Nephews & Nieces
On Sunday my 1-year-old niece walked past other family members over to me to be picked up and cuddled. LOVE that!
7. Hearing DH’s future plans for parenthood
Even if he’s telling me about the Star Trek onesies he has picked out for our future baby (or multiple babies, as he likes to ~~remind~~ tease me).
8. Good Stories
Traveling to another time and place without leaving my comfy chair.
9. Planning Vacations
I recently blogged about our Chicago weekend getaway.
10. Drifting off to sleep
While hearing both my husband’s breathing and my purring cat.

Now, here are the blogs I would like to nominate for this award:
Determined to Have Joy
Making Me Mom
Stress Free Infertility
Sassy Infertile Lady
A Little Blog About the Big Infertility
All five of these blogs have been an encouragement to me. Thanks ladies!

Fears

2010-02-21T20:55:00.000-05:00

It's true, I'm afraid. Afraid this cycle, IUI #4, won't be successful. If not, we have to meet with our RE again about next steps. What are our next steps? More IUIs with more agressive medicine? I could handle that, but I'm not sure yet if I'm comfortable with IVF. Not sure I'm ready to stop treatment and pursue adoption, even though that's a wonderful option. And while we could potentially go in either of those directions, IVF or adoption, can we afford it? See why I'm afraid?

It also seems like these cycles of hope and disappointment will coninute endlessly. But at some point we'd just stop, right? I've been wondering when we'd know we're at that point, although I don't believe we're there right now. Then yesterday, I read this line in The Infertility Companion, by authors Glahn & Cutrer, "When it hurts more to go on than it does to quit, it's time to quit." Wow. I found comfort in that.

Oh God, I had a hard time watching my family hold that two-month-old baby today. I knew there was no way I could have held her and not cried. (At least we were at a funeral for an extended family member, so crying wouldn't have seemed too out of the ordinary.) Oh God, I have to give this over to you, again. I've told you I've surrendered this before, but every time we start something new, or consider a new treatment, I have to give up my plan for how I think it should happen. For how much I want it to happen soon. Please God, help me to trust you. Help me not to worry.

Injection Week

2010-02-18T13:44:00.000-05:00

Back to stuffing my face in a pillow while I get a shot of Menopur in my thigh every night. We went straight from the fun of Chicago back to this. My DH is sweet to mix the vials of medicine and give the injections. I just hope it’s working. This morning’s ultrasound showed three follicles, but right now they were only a 13, 14, and 15.5. (The RE likes to see an 18 before the HCG shot for ovulation.)

Does anyone else notice side effects from Menopur? I feel less settled during injection week. I'm more anxious, but I guess I don't know if that's a side effect of Menopur or just a side effect of having to experience injection week.

Oh God, how many more months of medicine and injections? It sounds like my RE has recommended IVF next month if IUI #4 isn’t successful, but, oh my. That brings up so many questions. So much research I want to do. IVF? Adoption? Right now we just want to concentrate on this fourth time of trying IUI.

God, please give us peace through all this. I do feel more relaxed knowing you have a plan for my life, and you’re leading me through this for some reason, whatever that is.

Nursery duty? Maybe not.

2010-02-17T11:41:00.000-05:00

You get to hold babies. Is that enough to make it worth volunteering in the church nursery?

For years, I helped out in the nursery once a month, most always in the infant room or the 1-year-old room. (The 2-year-old room with 20 running, screaming toddlers always scares me.) But when we started TTC, I dropped off the schedule and told the coordinators I'd be back later, always imagining that it would be with my own baby in tow.

So, it's been this long, and I know they always need nursery help. I asked my DH if he thought I should start volunteering again.

"No. Definitely not," he said.

Oh really? Why?

"I don't want to get pulled out of church to find you in the nursery holding a baby, and see that you're the one who's crying uncontrollably."

Ha. Good point.

Celebrating just the two of us

2010-02-15T06:53:00.000-05:00

Ahh, what a great weekend. My husband and I just got back from Chicago last night. What a fun way to celebrate turning 30 and Valentine’s Day - at the field museum, art institute, planetarium, ESPN Zone, and with deep-dish pizza and caramel popcorn. No injections, ultrasounds, or blood draws - for a few days anyway.

This trip helped me realize how much I need to just enjoy this time now with my husband. I’ve always said that’s what I want to do, but I get distracted when I’m surrounded by young moms and babies. When we’re exploring Chicago, it’s wonderful for it to be just the two of us.

I began to wonder if maybe I wouldn't long for a baby so much if we lived in a bigger city and our friends were busy with their careers instead of starting families. But DH (Darling Husband) says, no, I would still want to be a mom. Maybe I wouldn’t have been ready quite as soon, but he thinks I’d be ready now. “It’s just you,” he said.

God, thank you for creating me this way, even if it hurts when I must wait. I truly believe we’ll add children to our family someday, but God, please help me enjoy life, right now. And please help me share that joy.

Goodbye 20s

2010-02-11T12:10:00.001-05:00

So long 20s! You were fun years. Lots of work, but so many hopes and new beginnings. Looking forward to life in my 30s, and hopefully life as a mom, soon.

My birthday started out with a quick trip to the RE's office this morning. How fitting. Fortunately, the appointment went well. On the hybrid cycle they require an ultrasound on day 3 to make sure there aren't any large follicles left over from the previous cycle. But I'm good to go.

So, on to the next cycle. Hoping, once again. The emotional ups and downs in all this still amaze me. It seems like there must be a way to keep myself level, steadier. Is it even possible? I'm not sure, but prayers definitely help. Also, I got the sweetest email from my aunt after sharing this blog with her. Her two incredible kids are both adopted. I never thought too much about that before, but I finally realized that hey, at one time she must have felt exactly what I'm feeling. Sure thing. She wrote that, "even after all these years, I still remember the disappointment each month when nothing happened. Infertility is a physical, spiritual, and emotional journey. God will show Himself real to you during this time! I cried out to Him so many times, and He met with me every time I thought my heart would break."

Oh God, thank you that we can reach out to each other during this time. We don't have to go through this alone.

Am I comforting others?

2010-02-08T18:55:00.000-05:00

It was so nice to get sweet comments after my BFN on Saturday. Thank you. I did have a great 30th birthday celebration on Saturday night, even though I was close to tears all day on Sunday.

Yes, this is hard, but I do truly believe that good things can, and will, come from all this heartache and disappointment, including a baby, I hope. But I'm realizing that conception can't be the end-all goal. It must be about the journey too. I've been so focused on myself for the past couple years. I've wanted to know what else must I do, what else do I need to learn, before God can bless me with a child? I know that line of thinking is wrong. I can't earn it. And God's ways are just simply beyond my comprehension.

Thinking about that, this paragraph really resonated with me this evening. I stopped and read it over and over. It's from The Infertility Companion (by Glahn and Cutrer), "Maybe your suffering is not about your own failure to learn what you're supposed to learn. Perhaps God has allowed your pain to demonstrate his sufficient grace in and through your life to someone who needs an encounter with his supernatural power. Maybe you can comfort others through the information you learn (2 Cor. 1:3)."

Oh God, that would make it all worth it. To know that you're using me to help others, to comfort them and bring them closer to you, that would make this all worth it. I still want to be a mom, God. But please, use this waiting time, this journey, to accomplish a larger purpose.

How many negatives can I handle?

2010-02-06T15:00:00.001-05:00

Oh God, what's wrong with me? The medicine and injections are supposed to fix my ovulation dysfunction. How long can I go on hoping and hoping? How can I be stable among all these emotional peaks and valleys? How can I continue to live surrounded by all these young mothers and babies and not feel this ache?

God, I know you hear me. I know you care. Please do something. I want to know that you're working here. I want to know that you haven't forgotten me. That you have a larger plan that I can't see.

I can't cry over the negative for too long today. Friends will be here soon. We're having two of my favorite things - pizza and ice cream cake - to celebrate my 30th birthday that's next week. Our friends all found babysitters so they could come over today.

Oh God, this hurts. But I know you are with me, come what may. Comfort the other women too. I know I'm not the only one who has cried over a negative today.

Nervous already

2010-02-05T21:38:00.001-05:00

While I'm starting to get nervous about the test tomorrow, I was so excited to log on today and see 11 followers! Thank you for your support, I love it! I'm happy to follow your blogs too. Infertility isn't something you should have to go through alone.

I get up and go in for my blood test first thing tomorrow, at 9:00. While I'm going to try to stay calm this time during the few LONG hours I have to wait for the results, I'm always uptight and completely on edge. I jump when the phone rings. Inevitably, it's always my mom or sister to ask if I've heard anything yet.

Last month, after my mom heard that the test was negative, yet again, she said that she didn't know what to say, but that she loved me and was praying for me. For me, that was all I wanted to hear. When people try to comfort others, I think they often say too much. It doesn't help to hear, "It just must not be your time yet," or "everything happens in God's perfect time." Yes, that may be true, but when I'm hurting, I just want someone to cry with me.

I read a great paragraph in The Infertility Companion today. The authors (Glahn and Cutrer) wrote, "When someone having a great day says, 'Trust God,' to someone in pain, it sounds like a heartless accusation. It also robs the suffering believer of the opportunity to testify about God's grace. It's the comforter's job to weep; it's the hurting person's job, when he or she is ready, to tell others about God's sufficiency. Too often it happens the other way around. Would-be comforters leave people weeping after 'bearing witness' to them that God is sufficient."

God, I know you are sufficient. As much as I hate these tests and continual disappointments, I know you're with me. Thank you for this online community, for people who understand the longings and pain. Thank you for the family and friends who cry with me no matter what. I would love to be crying for joy tomorrow. Oh God, I can hardly even imagine the excitement. I can feel that I'm already guarding my heart for a negative. Please help me to keep my heart open, even if it hurts more that way.

Yes, it's distressing

2010-02-03T08:35:00.003-05:00

"One study from Harvard Medical School found that women with infertility had levels of emotional distress equal to those of patients with cancer or heart disease," according to The Infertility Companion by Sandra Glahn and William Cutrer.

Why? As The Infertility Companion says, "There's the loneliness, the lack of control, stressed relationships, sleep problems, sexual dysfunction, waiting to hear from the doctor's office, delayed decisions, career stagnation, withdrawal from family and friends, debt, insurance hassles, unending and invasive exams, medically induced emotional swings, daily trips to the lab ... punctuated each month with 'I started my period.'"

And what about the women who long to carry a biological child, but who have been told that it's an impossible dream? Oh God, there are so many of us with this intense desire for what we thought would be a natural, expected part of life. We want to prepare for our babies by picking out a crib, decorating a nursery, and spending hours and hours in Babies R Us. We never imagined injections, IUIs, blood draws, doctor's visits, loneliness, and all the insensitive comments.

Experiencing infertility was NOT part of my plan! So, what can I do? I'm tearing up my plan. Ripping it apart. No more "this is how I always dreamed it would be." I'm open now, God. I have to be. It's up to you. Just please help me to remember this if the test comes back negative, again, this Saturday.

To family and friends

2010-02-01T18:18:00.002-05:00

I stayed away from infertility books for far too long. So what if I might be pregnant this month or next? I'm still hoping I will be, but over the weekend I finished Hannah's Hope. Wow, what a comfort. Hearing the stories validated my own feelings and helped me realize how many women this affects, and how deeply it affects us all.

At the end of each chapter, Jennifer Saake has a section for "Burden Bearers." They are messages to the friends and family of those of us going through infertility. Here are my own thoughts for my Burden Bearers:

Yes, I ache for a baby of my own, but I'm no longer desperate to conceive this cycle. At least I don't think I am, anymore. As I get caught up in the emotions and in all the fertility treatments, I've often felt desperate for it to just work this time, please. I'm so tired of shots and appointments and disappointments. Yet I'm trusting this waiting time has a purpose. (Although you will most definitely read a rant on Saturday if the test comes back negative, again.)

Yes, my chest feels tight every time I hear of another person who's pregnant, but I can truly be happy for them while I'm experiencing my own longings and pain. Don't be afraid to tell me someone else is pregnant, but please do so in a discrete way so that I have time to process the news. Sometimes, I'll immediately feel happy for the new mom-to-be (it will most likely be a woman older than me). For others, (those younger and especially those who get pregnant on the first try) I'll have to pray about it and complain to God before I'll be able to release it and feel genuine joy for the new parents. Even then, the ache doesn't seem to completely go away.

My husband and I don't need a baby to be complete or happy, yet I can't imagine our life without our own children to love and nurture. While it often feels like our family isn't complete, and it's not, we can choose to find joy in the now. We can draw closer through this, and I thank God every day that we have.

And yes, I cry easily right now. It does hurt, especially on negative test days, but please don't avoid me. You may not know what to say, but having you call or send messages just tells me you care, and I can't even say how much I appreciate that.

By the way, blog comments and followers always cheer me up as well. I was thrilled to read a comment by author Jennifer Saake on my last blog post. Thank you Jennifer! And thank you to those who regularly read this, you're such a blessing.

Oh so hopeful

2010-01-29T09:37:00.003-05:00

Once again, I'm just sure this will be the month. At my last RE appointment, the nurse was very encouraging. Everything looks just right for conception to take place. This could be the time. I've wanted to tell everyone that I am about to be pregnant. Can't you just imagine the responses I'd get? "Girl, you either are or you aren't." Sigh.

I've always expected to be pregnant either this month or the next, for 21 months now. That's probably why I never purchased any books about infertility before. Even now, I'm quickly reading the two books I ordered because, as you know, I may be pregnant this cycle and will no longer need them. Oh, but I need them right now. One, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake, has been such an encouragement, and I'm only in chapter 3!

A couple of lines really resonated with me. In this passage, Jennifer is quoting author Debra Bridwell from her book The Ache for a Child: "If we yearn to take part in the miracle of creating a new life 'in our image' with attributes like our own, and want the intimacy of nurturing our child to maturity, that is only natural. This yearning is God-given and a part of how we are created. It's no wonder that we can feel jarred and confused when we are unable to fulfill it."

For months I've longed to know that I'm normal. That I'm not just jealous of my sisters and friends. Reading other infertility blogs helped me know that. I do believe God placed this desire to be a mother in my heart, but still, so many people tell me to be glad I don't have kids yet. To enjoy sleeping in and having a clean house. I've been asked: "What's your problem? Is it just that you want one right now?"

Another line from Hannah's Hope: "Your fertility challenges hurt this much because you already have a mother's heart and are grieving for your children."

Do I? Could that be part of it?

God, I do feel confused, but I'm choosing to trust that you have a plan for me. That there is, and will be, a purpose to this heartache and waiting. I can't see it yet, and maybe I never will, but that's where faith comes in, right? I don't have a right to demand motherhood. I can only choose to take joy in my life now. To pray and cry out to you, God. And to continue to hope that I will eventually hold my own child, whether he or she is biological or adopted.

IUI #3

2010-01-25T17:07:00.003-05:00

I am so hopeful after today's IUI. God, could this possibly be the right time? Oh God, you know all my longings and desires. You know the future. Help me to trust. Please.

No more shots, please

2010-01-23T10:29:00.005-05:00

I'm done with Menopur shots this cycle - yes! We had four nights of injections, and I am such a wimp with these shots. I bet other women can give themselves these injections and have no problem doing it. I have to have my husband give me the injection, while I turn on my favorite CD and cover my face with a pillow. Yes, I'm pathetic, but they seriously burn while the medicine is going in and then for a couple minutes afterward. My husband just tells me to think of babies, and then he holds up the shot and smiles before jabbing the needle in my thigh. Oh, he can be so sweet and so mean at the same time.

But no more shots this cycle, except for the easy Ovidrel shot (the hcg trigger), so I am excited. My appointment this morning went so well, I had two mature follicles, a 17.5 and an 18.6. We tentatively scheduled IUI for Monday, while we're waiting on the doctor to review the ultrasound and blood work and confirm the plan. This will be our third IUI, hopefully the last. We'll find out if this cycle is successful, if it's a positive pregnancy test, just a few days before my 30th birthday. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

Well, even if this month isn't the one, I feel like I've been more relaxed this cycle. Thank you, God. I'm sure thinking of what God accomplished in our lives the last few years helped (see my last post on that). I must believe that something good will come from this time of waiting. And I must keep hoping. I read this verse yesterday about hope and am going to keep praying it over our lives, and for all of you who I know are going through infertility as well:
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

My Longings & His Faithfulness

2010-01-20T08:48:00.007-05:00

I took a walk with a coworker yesterday. We were talking about a member of her family and what the young girl is going through right now. She can't find a job. Her husband has two more years of college to finish. Their marriage is strained, and she's just frustrated with life and the situation she's in. What she wants is what so many of us long for - the security of a husband with a full-time job, a home, and children.

That conversation took me back just 5 years ago. I was desperate for my husband to decide what he wanted to major in. I wanted him to hurry and go back to college, finish, and find a job so that I could have a home and children. He had been to two different colleges and hadn't made much progress, had only worked a couple temporary jobs, and at that point just didn't know where he was headed in life. You can just imagine my extreme frustration.

When you're going through times like that, all you can think about is that there is no end in sight. I seriously was afraid that I'd be our sole provider forever, and I knew I couldn't handle that. There were so many tears, so much anxiety that I kept repeatedly giving over to God. I told God I couldn't live like that. Apparently he thought I could for awhile. I had to decide to love, respect, and support my husband no matter what, even if it meant postponing all my desires and plans for my life. For those of you who have read my blog during the past few months, does that sound familiar? All the anxiety, hurt, disappointment? And my repeated attempts to pray and surrender all my fears and worries to God, but so often completely stressing about everything anyway.

But you know, that time of waiting was worth it. All that heartache was worth it. My husband and I are so happy together and so much closer. He eventually found a career that he's well-suited for. Yes, his entry-level job doesn't pay too much, but he found something he's good at and he'll move up. We were able to buy our first home. It's more than I had dared hope for since we found such a wonderful deal on a foreclosure. God did amazing work in both of us during that time. I used to cry almost every Sunday at church, just thanking God for how far he brought us and for accomplishing what seemed impossible in our lives.

So how did infertility cause me to lose sight of all that? All the pregnant women who surround me, all the young moms and babies, all these intense feelings and longings have completely consumed me lately. Yes, this trial is so difficult, much more than I ever imagined. I could never have guessed I'd experience this hurt, these longings, so deeply. But looking back, won't this be worth it? When I do finally hold that baby in my arms, do you think I'll remember all this pain?

God, I want this time of waiting to be worth it too. Please help me to remember that I can be moving forward, we can be accomplishing your purposes in our life through this waiting time. Tomorrow I go in to the RE's office for an ultrasound and evaluation. God, I know you can do the impossible once again.

I've been banned from books

2010-01-17T15:59:00.006-05:00

Am I a selfish, impatient person? That's what I was asking myself all weekend. There are so many people out there with "real" problems, just look at Haiti, and here I've been feeling sorry for myself that I'm not a mom yet. I know it will happen, but I've still been ready to cry at anything this weekend. Not exactly sure why. Probably hormones. I told my husband maybe it was the book I just finished. The main characters were so happy over the birth of their first child. My husband's response: You're no longer allowed to read. Or watch movies. Or talk to anyone, either.

Today though, I feel so encouraged. I was able to talk to a friend at church this morning who I rarely talk to anymore. She asked me for an update and, yes, I cried. But she reassured me that it's not unusual to feel this way. And then I got home and read all these sweet comments another friend left on this blog. I appreciate comments so much. For those of you who take the time to read this and pray with me - thank you, I can't even explain how much that helps. It makes me feel so blessed. Going through infertility can feel so lonely, but not today. Thank you friends.

God, you placed people in my path who I needed to see today - thank you. God, help me to be a friend, to see past my own disappointments to encourage others. To be walking with vision instead of sitting around and waiting.

It's a new day, or cycle rather

2010-01-13T09:38:00.004-05:00

Yes, it's cycle day one. Cycle days never meant much before, but when you're in the midst of infertility treaments, everything is based on your cycle day. This month, day 1: call the office and schedule appointments for days 3 and 9. Day 3: ultrasound, blood work, start taking two Femara pills each night on days 3-7. Days 7 & 8: Menopur shots. Day 9: ultrasound and evaluation. And it will go on from there; I just don't know yet if the next appointment will be day 11 or 13. With all these appoinments and medicine, becoming a mom is constantly on my mind. But it's nice to feel like I'm doing something. Like I actually have some control over this process, but that's really just an illusion. As I've said before, this is all in God's hands. That should really take some of the pressure off and help me relax, shouldn't it?

Last night, my husband was checking out our potential tax return on his new ipod app and was complaining that we didn't have the tax deduction he was expecting for 2009. Men. I felt my whole body sag after his comment. He must have noticed, because he made me look at him. "This will be our year," he said. Oh God, please let him be right. Tax deduction or not, please let him be right!

Oh God, I just want to know that there's a purpose in this waiting time. I don't want to feel stuck while other people's lives are moving forward. Please help us to accomplish your plans for our lives while we wait for this blessing that we know will come, eventually.

I'll be fine, eventually

2010-01-09T14:09:00.004-05:00

Ok, it wasn't completely unexpected. I didn't think I felt pregnant, but I was still hoping. Even while the nurse was introducing herself, (like I can't immediately recognize her voice), right up until her usual, "I'm sorry."

Oh, why does this hurt so much? That's what I've asked myself ever since I found out. I know we will eventually have children, either biological or adopted or both. But that doesn't stop the hurting. Why is this so painful? Why can't I stop crying? My husband said it's because I've been wanting this for so long. I told him I was fine before we decided we were ready and started trying. "No you weren't," he said. "You wanted this for a couple years before we started trying." And he's right, of course. And now we've been trying for so long.

Why do we want to be mothers? Where does this deep desire come from? I can only believe that God put this in my heart. Why else would I have this intense longing for a completely self-sacrificing job? It would be so much easier not to have children, but I know that's not what's in store for me. I know being a mom will be hard. Still, there's this unrelenting drive to nurture, to care for someone who is a part of me, and a part of my husband. To teach them things, to show them what love really is. To tell them hurting won't last forever.

I'm Trying Too Hard, Aren't I?

2010-01-08T10:39:00.008-05:00

So the waiting continues. I go in for the pregnancy blood test tomorrow morning at 9, and then the nurse will call me sometime in the afternoon with the results. As much as I am hoping that I'm already pregnant, for some reason I feel like I'll have to go through another cycle (it would be Femara and Menopur shots this time) and another IUI. Maybe I'm just trying to prepare myself. I took the negative result so hard last month. And now, there's only one more cycle before my 30th birthday. That shouldn't make any difference, but 30 just seems like one of those birthdays where you evaluate your life and what you've accomplished - or what you feel like you should have already accomplished.

So, I believe God is in control, but have I ever stopped trying to make things happen? I've prayed over and over for me to release this all to God. I want to sincerely trust in his timing. But I'm still trying to make sure I do everything right, not just physically with doctor's appointments and medicine, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - maybe if I just tell God I've surrendered all this to him, that I trust him no matter what, maybe then he'll see he can bless me with a child. Or maybe I still have a lesson I need to learn. Ok, I'm learning to be happy for everyone else and their pregnancies. Ok, I'm learning to relax more. Ok, my husband and I are getting closer through this (which I am very happy about!). Ok, maybe there's someone I need to reach out to while I'm going through this. But once I do all this, I'll be blessed with a baby right? Wrong! I know that whole line of thinking is wrong. I could do every single thing in my power to be deserving of a child, and I will still fall so short. Oh God, that's my problem, isn't it? I want so much to show you that you can give me the desires of my heart, and it's not in my power! It's not up to me. God, it's your mercy isn't it? It's grace.

I love heartburn

2010-01-06T08:21:00.003-05:00

So, I woke up in the middle of the night with heartburn - and was excited about it. Yes, we did make homemade pizza last night, but I don't ever remember getting heartburn from that before. For the next 3 days I'm going to imagine that everything I feel might possibly be an early-pregnancy symptom. Why do I drive myself crazy like this every single month? And it's been like 20 months now! I guess the hope is still alive. And if I'm crushed again on Saturday - so be it. The excitement of hoping is worth it.

God, I know you're in control here. Please help me to know that all this hoping and excitement won't be in vain. When we eventually have our children (biological or adopted), I'm sure we'll hardly remember all this waiting and longing. But right now, God, please help. And show me how I can help others, too.

The Countdown

2010-01-04T08:42:00.002-05:00

Only 5 days until another test day! I'll be going in for the blood test on Saturday morning, and then they'll call me in the afternoon to tell me if it's positive or another negative. Here's hoping, although I'm afraid to get my hopes up too high. I've been taking estrogen pills this month, and that's something new the doctor had me try this time. There is only one follicle this month, so the chances are a little lower, but the doctor was so encouraging: "one is all you need." It's true.

Oh God, I know that one of these months will be the right time - our time for a family. And even now, the news has already been decided, it's just a week of waiting. Oh, please help me enjoy the waiting. It's a daily battle, mentally, to choose to relax and trust. I know it will always be that way - even when this trial is over there will be plenty of things to stress over. I don't do a great job of just relaxing, but I'm going to get better. God, please help me with this. I think that's my main goal for 2010 - to just trust God and be relaxed mentally and emotionally, come what may. It's really the only way to live. All efforts to make things happen on my own are just futile anyway.

2009 wasn't all bad.

2009-12-31T15:30:00.002-05:00

So 2009 will be remembered as my year of doctor's appointments and fertility medicine. So much hope and so many disappointments for me this year. I pray I still accomplished something. I know my husband and I are closer now. At this time last year he thought I just needed more patience: we'll have a baby, it's just taking awhile. But now, he's tired of waiting too. This last disappointment, he just held me and cried along with me. And when we're not crying, we're certainly laughing a lot more. That in itself may be worth it all.

Really, how can you not laugh when a nurse tells us the sperm counts for IUI are "awesome," and when my husband is constantly reminding me of the chance for quadruplets and eight little feet! (Fortunately the chance is like nonexistent, only if two follicles produced two eggs which both split ...) When the husband has Star Trek onesies picked out for this future baby (I said no, but they are pretty cute), or how about when he's holding a needle about to give me the millionth shot - and he actually looks happy about it. Hey, at least we're going through this together. And he loves me. I love knowing that and thinking that if nothing else, this year has been our time to get closer.

But God, we're looking forward to 2010. Please help this to be our year for a family. And if not, I can't even think about the "if not" right now, please accomplish something in us and through us. Something amazing.

After IUI I have hope, once again.

2009-12-30T15:25:00.004-05:00

It's amazing, I was so devastated just earlier this month and unfortunately let it linger right up to Christmas. But somehow, I get excited again, right away, at the thought that this time it might work. I went in for IUI on Monday and now I have hope again. Thank you God, for allowing me to be hopeful, even if this month ends in another disappointment.

This morning I was able to get together with my sister and three really good friends. Between the four of them, there were seven kids, all under the age of four, and one of them is due with her third baby this spring. I know they all love having me along at our get-togethers, they're such sweet women. But I feel so disconnected. I helped plan their baby showers, I've changed their babies' diapers, helped celebrate their kids' birthdays, and will they one day do the same for me? I feel like one of those girls who has been a bridesmaid in a half dozen weddings and just wonders what her own may be like, someday.

God, please continue to help me enjoy this time now. That's my continual prayer. I want to be happy right now and not let this longing consume me.

Not This Christmas Either

2009-12-20T09:55:00.003-05:00

I made it through this week. It shouldn't have been that hard, but it's taken me so long to adjust to the news that I won't be pregnant this Christmas either. I've been alternating between wanting to just feel sorry for myself and trying to remember that I need to enjoy the time now with my husband, family, and all my little nephews and nieces. I don't want this trial over trying to have my own baby to completely consume my life. But it does for some reason. How do I put this all in perspective when my heart literally hurts everytime I look at a baby?

Oh God, I don't feel like I can live the way I'm supposed to, to serve others like you want me to, and be so consumed over this. I need to leave it up to you, and I feel like I've given this to you over and over again. Yet there are so many reminders, everywhere. So many moms and babies. So many feelings that I don't feel I have control over.

Another Disappointment

2009-12-13T06:51:00.003-05:00

Oh God, I know just because I surrendered this to you doesn't mean I'll get what I want or what I think would be best for us. Oh God, I know you have a time and a plan, but God, this hurts. I didn't know my crying would be so deep this time, from such depth. Oh God, I know you're giving us the strength to handle this, just please remember us. Please give us a child when it's your time.

Will it be today?

2009-12-12T07:39:00.003-05:00

I didn't sleep well last night. My back was bothering me, and I was having strange dreams. I think I'm just nervous about the pregnancy test today, even though I've been praying for God to help me relax and just trust. We are so excited this month. With trying IUI and being told all our numbers look awesome, we're hoping we'll finally hear good news today. I would love to share the news at Christmas. I know I'd think about Mary in a whole new way this year. Christmas would be the perfect time to find out, but I'll be so excited at any time.

Oh God, I know it's all in your hands. Thank you for being with me no matter what. I will continue to trust you, just as I wrote last month, whether it's joy or another disappointment.

Just like Hannah

2009-12-02T13:29:00.005-05:00

If you know me and you're reading this blog, you'll see I changed my display name. I'm using a symbolic name now, after concerns regarding privacy. I hope my story will encourage someone else going through something like this, but I don't want anyone to be distracted by knowing the author. My story and prayers are all true, no matter what name I'm going by.

I feel so encouraged after such a great appointment at the RE's office yesterday. My husband took off work and we really enjoyed our day together. Despite going through all this, we found things to laugh about all day.

The nurse said our chances look really good for this month after our first IUI. Oh God, could this possibly be the time? Are we finally going to be parents?

Peace and joy: will that be possible this Christmas?

2009-12-01T07:16:00.004-05:00

I had been dreading going into the holidays amidst RE appointments, blood draws, and ultrasounds. Somehow though, I've finally realized I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just enjoy the now. It sounds so simple, why is that so difficult? I've been wanting people to commiserate with me, but life really isn't that bad. It's just a hard time and everyone goes through those, right?

Oh God, please help me to be joyful. It's such a seasonal cliche now, but I do want to be filled with peace and joy. I want to be able to relax and know that this time right now with my husband and family is precious.

I'm not alone with this, right?

2009-11-22T20:02:00.003-05:00

I wish I knew more people who have had to go through fertility treatments. I'm sure they're out there. Maybe I walk past someone everyday at work, or maybe I said hi to someone struggling with IF at church today, but we so rarely talk about this. For some reason, I have this strong desire to be understood. To know that there are other women who understand what this longing feels like. People who aren't going to tell me to just relax, or tell me that someone else they know waited years longer. Someone who just understands that this can be simply miserable at times, even when we believe that God is going to work this out for good.

Oh God, I have so many blessings and still I complain that I'm not a mom yet. I'm sorry for my attitude and for feeling so jealous today. Please help me to have peace through this. Help me to realize that you do understand, and that this won't last forever. I want to have joy no matter how much longer we have to wait.

Maybe I'll finally relax now.

2009-11-16T15:06:00.005-05:00

Wow, I feel so relieved. I was so nervous to meet with the RE today, as I was convinced she wanted me to go back on the expensive Menopur shots. Thankfully, she didn't push the shots at all. She just thinks we should try IUI with the Femara (oral med) to increase our chances. If that isn't successful after a couple months, we may try Femara with 2-3 days of the Menopur injections. That doesn't sound too bad.

We walked out of the doctor's office and my husband asked me if that was really worth worrying about for two whole days? Until I felt all the relief I hadn't even fully realized how nervous I was. It's amazing how emotional this process is. I couldn't handle it without such a calm, caring husband. He's been great. I was praying for peace yesterday. Maybe now I'll finally relax.

Oh God, I'm sorry for being so anxious. How long will it take before I just start trusting and stop worrying so much?

Oh, we're on to next steps.

2009-11-15T07:53:00.003-05:00

So it was another disappointment yesterday. A lot of tears. I was so mad when I heard it from the nurse. I'm always sad, but I'm not usually angry like I was yesterday. I just don't get it. After so much waiting and different medications finally, for these last three cycles, everything has looked perfect - large follicles, a shot of Ovidrel to ovulate, high progesterone levels, and then ... negative, as always. I feel so frustrated and helpless. I'm going back to the RE tomorrow to talk about next steps. That scares me. I know she wants me to go back on the daily Menopur injections - those horribly expensive, painful shots. Sigh.

God, I'm trying to be patient. I do know you're in control even though it doesn't feel that way right now. Help me to be able to trust you when all I feel like doing is crying about it all. I'm dreading church this morning as I know that in any direction I look I'll either see a mom with a baby or a pregnant woman. God, it's been a year and a half - when will it be my turn? I know it's not a competition, but God, why the long wait? Please help this wait to be worth it in the end.

Test Day!

2009-11-14T07:31:00.004-05:00

It's test day. A blood test at the RE's office. I've been so busy with a big work event this week that I've hardly had time to think about it. But my mind went there last night before falling asleep. What would it be like to have the nurse call and say it's positive? Every month, I've imagined my reaction and how I'd tell my family and friends. During our first year of TTC, I thought I'd wrap up little gifts and surprise my family that way. A baby toy for my husband, a grandma frame for my mom. Maybe I'd find something that said "aunt" for my sisters. This past spring/summer, I decided there's no way I'd take the time to go buy gifts. My mind would imagine celebrating with my husband and then jumping in the car to go tell our family in person. That's what we did after he asked me to marry him - we drove from house to house to tell all our family in the area and show off the ring. But now, I've even given up on that idea. My immediate family knows I'm going in for a test today. They know, based on the last couple months, that if they don't get a call today it's because it's a BFN. But a positive? If so, all I could imagine last night was crying at the good news and trying to call my family whenever I could control myself enough.

God, I know there will be a positive test, even if it's not today. I know you've called me to be a mom. You've created this need and mothering desire in my heart. Please assure me that you haven't forgotten me. Please help me to know you are with me during this and that you will entrust us with a family - whether that process has already started or is yet to come. Help me to be able to accept the results today. I give it over to you, God. I'll continue to trust you whether it's joy or another disappointment.

Please, no more baby showers.

2009-11-08T19:01:00.003-05:00

I skipped a baby shower today. Unless they're a very close friend, I think I'm going to avoid them all. I didn't realize how the one last month would affect me. And this weekend, my husband and I already had a sleepover for my nephews and nieces, before going and spending time with our close friends and their new baby. We had a good time with them all, but I still cried Friday morning at the thought of a weekend full of kids. Maybe it's all the hormones.

God, I know my time is coming. Please help me in this waiting period. I truly want to be happy for my friends and enjoy the time with their kids, but wow, it hurts.

So other people have heard stupid comments too, huh?

2009-11-04T13:17:00.006-05:00

I am so glad to know that there is such a large online community of women supporting each other through infertility. I had no idea. It's so needed. My family and friends who haven't experienced this just have no idea what to say or how to be supportive. I found these suggestions online of what NOT to say. I love these tips! I wish I could carry these around on a little card and then just hand it out to any friends who start to say something stupid.
How to Support a Friend with IF

It's actually out there: My journal.

2009-11-01T17:11:00.001-05:00

While I've only just created this blog recently, I went through my journal and posted a few of my entries to show what this period of infertility has been like. I hope this will encourage someone else, and if so, I'd love to hear from you.

Today I'm excited again. At my doctor's appointment yesterday there were two large follicles. The largest ones yet - a 16 and a 19 - yay! I get a shot of Ovidrel today - just as soon as I get off the computer.

God, I know this cycle may result in hurt yet again, but one of these times I will be pregnant and I want to be excited and hopeful again, just in case this is it.

Still not a mom yet.

2009-10-21T08:14:00.001-04:00

So I'm not a mom yet, again. Oh God, I'm just so sad. We can only stay on this medicine for one more cycle and then the doctor says we'll need to meet with her about our next steps. Oh God, I don't want to go to next steps. I know I can't worry, I have to just trust. But God I don't understand.

Too nervous to hope.

2009-10-20T08:11:00.001-04:00

Today's the day we find out. I've been too afraid to hope this month, but why? I know what the disappointment and pain feel like, and I know God will be with me to handle it. God, I'm choosing to hope, with your help. It's what I feel you want me to do, regardless of the outcome from today's test.

Only one shot isn't so bad.

2009-10-06T08:28:00.001-04:00

The shot of Ovidrel on Sunday night was painless. So much easier than the Menopur injections. Just taking Femara and then Ovidrel has been so much more relaxing. I still feel a little stressed this morning though, for some reason. Maybe it's anxiousness.

God, please help me to be able to relax, knowing I'm in your care.

There's a chance.

2009-10-05T00:19:00.001-04:00

The doctor's appointment actually went so well yesterday. There are two large follicles. We're giving them time to grow and then my husband is giving me a shot of Ovidrel tonight.

Oh God, your creation is so complex. Please be with every step of conception so that at the right time, we can be blessed with a child. Help me to hope and trust even if this isn't the time.

My RE really isn't that bad, but ...

2009-10-03T11:34:00.001-04:00

This morning I've just been dreading going to the doctor's office again. God, please help me to think that yay, I'm one step closer to "the" cycle and to having a baby.

I was so sure, but ...

2009-09-23T08:16:00.001-04:00

I'm not a mom yet. I'm just so sad. I just dread the thought of more waiting, more excitement, and potentially even more disappointment. God, I really thought this month was it. So did my husband. God, I know you won't give me more than I can handle with your help, but God?

One thing I did learn yesterday when I was so excited - when I finally am pregnant I won't even think about how long the waiting period has been. I'll be too excited. But today, I'm just sad.

Maybe today?

2009-09-22T08:07:00.001-04:00

Could this be the day we find out we're parents? I find myself asking God if I can be excited. Can I let myself go there? To think, we could be, and hopefully are, on the brink of a whole new life. When a baby arrives our lives will never be the same. All I can say to that is bring it on!

Yet God, I will always trust you no matter what. Anything else would be futile. You hold my life in your hand. You knew I would be here, sitting in this chair, asking you to knit together a life in my womb and trying not to cry at the amazing thought.

Maybe I'm a mom now.

2009-09-21T08:10:00.001-04:00

God, please help me to continue to trust you and not to be anxious today and tomorrow. I go back to the doctor's office for THE test tomorrow. Oh God, you know how much I'm hoping that you've already started the process of knitting together another life. Yet I know you already love my future children more than I ever can. You have had their days planned out before I ever thought or longed for them. That thought overwhelms me.

Nothing's going to upset me today.

2009-09-09T00:16:00.001-04:00

Wow, my doctor's appointment went so well today. It looks like this medication may be working, or have worked, since there are mature follicles. I got to work late after my appointment today. I had to park blocks away and walk through pouring rain. Still, I couldn't be upset. I just felt like singing.

I love vacation.

2009-09-04T18:48:00.001-04:00

Ah, vacation. Today I've been determined to take some of this relaxation back home with me. These last two months have been so difficult with all the injections and varying hormone levels. God, please fill my mind with your peace so that my emotions aren't swinging out of control. God, I pray that you'll bless us with a family. While I want it to be soon, I want to trust you and believe that you have a perfect time for us.

Please, no more shots.

2009-08-22T23:33:00.001-04:00

Today was a really nice, relaxing day. I felt so peaceful and happy. Last weekend was very tough emotionally. The shots didn't work and so the doctor put me on progesterone to end the cycle. The doctor recommends doing another cycle of the injections and bumping up the dose to three vials a night for 7-12 days. That sounds horrible, besides being really expensive. I finally asked about alternatives, and now I'm going to try a different oral medication - Femara. That's so much easier. God, please help it to work.

This will be worth it, right?

2009-08-13T23:58:00.001-04:00

Waiting for another shot. My husband is getting it ready. Oh God, please give me the emotional strength to be at peace about all this. Please give me your peace which passes all understanding. Please help my body to cooperate, and please bless us with a family.

Shots, shots, and more shots.

2009-08-10T10:35:00.001-04:00

I'm at the doctor's office - again. This is the sixth time in the past two weeks. Today, we're going to check and see if the injections of Menopur got me where I need to be. God, please help my body to react and work the way you designed it. I really don't want to go through another cycle of injections.

Not yet.

2009-07-16T22:45:00.001-04:00

This week was so challenging. I knew from taking my basal body temperature that I probably wasn't pregnant. But hearing it from the doctor's office was worse than I expected. Since I took the Clomid, I had to go into the office to get my blood drawn for the test. I had been so hopeful. I was so sure that it would work.

Ok fertility medicine, do your thing!

2009-06-05T13:15:00.001-04:00

How can I feel so sincerely happy for all the pregnant women I know, but feel so jealous at the same time? I've been feeling ok most of the time, better than before, as I'm so excited to start fertility medication.