To Blog or Not to Blog

In the midst of infertility, I couldn't help but blog. I often didn't even understand what I was feeling until I started writing, and then it was hard to stop. Now, I don't lie awake thinking of blog posts, or feel like I'm going to explode if I don't write my feelings down. My cries and prayers now are typically ones of amazement and thankfulness. But I don't feel as free, or as compelled, to write those, and I'm not sure why.

Is it that I'm so busy thinking about and planning for this baby that I don't have as much time?  Maybe.  I'm usually worn out after work. But why would I stop something that was so enjoyable and important to me just a few months ago? It might even be that I haven't figured out how to write about my excitement and have it sound as genuine, as raw. Yet I could always try.

Or, maybe it's because of the infertility community of bloggers. I was so glad to find this group. To find people who understood. But now that I'm pregnant, does writing about it seem like I'm bragging? I still read about so much heartbreak - years of infertility, multiple miscarriages. It reminds me of my own confusion and heartbreak. For me, it's hard to read those stories, remember what I went through, and then write a light post about how much I love the baby bedding set we registered for, the one that our aunt and uncle just purchased for us.

Maybe blogging, for me, is meant for a specific time. When I started this blog, I didn't have many other options for trying to process my emotions. I couldn't talk to my coworkers. My family and close friends cared, but it was hard for them to really understand. I felt compelled to write my prayers and that evolved into blog posts. Now though, I feel freer to express my emotions. People seem to understand my excitement. I can talk about infertility, and the fact that we're so grateful to have a son on the way. But how many blog posts can I write just about that?  I guess I need a reason, a specific purpose, to keep blogging.

God, I felt like you wanted me to start blogging.  That you had a purpose for this blog. But now?  Please help me know how to spend my spare time, to know what you're calling me to.  God, the thought that we've passed through infertility and actually have a son on the way is still too amazing to fully comprehend.  I pray you'll bring each blogger the baby or babies you have for their family.  Oh God, we feel so thankful and blessed.  I long to hold this child.  To count all his fingers and toes.  To tell him I love him. Thank you for this love I already have, even before he's born.  God, I know I'm only just beginning to understand the love we're capable of, the love you have.