I've been a little embarrassed to blog lately. Yes, I've been extremely busy (we had company two weekends in a row), but when other people aren't around, I haven't been the nicest pregnant woman. I didn't think I'd be like this. If infertility taught me anything, it was to be grateful. To remember the struggle, and to thank God every day for this miracle.
So what's my problem? I'm still thankful, I really am. Yet I haven't figured out how to be sweet when I feel like throwing up. Honestly, sweet isn't even close. It would be an improvement if I could just be silent when I'm hit with morning sickness and pregnancy fatigue. Instead, I'm whining to my husband that I had to get up too early, I've worked too long a day, I'm too tired to clean the house, too tired to do laundry, and why isn't he helping more? I seem to get irritated at everything. I cried, actually cried, when my husband bought me the wrong kind of granola bars. (See why I'm embarrassed?) I can hide it pretty well around other people, apparently. My boss: "You never act like you're feeling sick." My friend at church: "I can't imagine you being very cranky." My husband can. I guess he's the only one that I've had to apologize to, oh so many times.
It's my focus, I know. I need to stop and ask what's really important. I need to think about the baby more - maybe even carry around the ultrasound photo with me.
God, forgive me. I really want to enjoy this special time, and I feel like I'm failing with that. Please help me. I know I'm never going to be "good enough" to deserve this or anything else, but please, help me to be able to control my attitude. To honor you no matter how I'm feeling. Everyone says that the worst of the morning sickness and fatigue should be behind me now, but regardless, I need to change. Please help me to keep things in perspective, to control my tongue, to remember that I have a lot of hormones right now. Thank you, God, that I'm able to experience both the joys and challenges of pregnancy. Help me to overcome those challenges, please, while continuing to be grateful and to thank you for this amazing blessing. For those still waiting for their babies, please help them, God. Comfort them while they're waiting.
Just want to let you know I am praying. I think it can be especially difficult when you have difficulty or discomfort during pregnancy after experiencing infertility. I think it is okay to acknowledge the difficulty and that you are feeling bad. It doesn't make you ungrateful. That said, I hope and pray the morning sickness begins to ease and you start feeling well very soon. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteIt's great to hear from you, by the way. I've been wondering about how you are...
ReplyDeleteAnd, you have every right to feel the way you're feeling. I often think - if I do ever get pregnant, then I'll likely be faced with months of feeling like crap - you exchange one bad feeling for another. It doesn't seem fair. I'm honestly not looking forward to pregnancy for that reason and it's almost swaying me to want to not even try anymore and move to adoption so that I wouldn't have to deal with fatigue, sickness and emotional stuff. So, I get it...
Sorry you're feeling this way. I totally get it on the granola bars though ;)
Hormones can make us do crazy things! I remember the first time I just started crying out of the blue & I could not stop. Please do not feel embarrassed. Pregnancy is definitely not easy but that definitely, like the pp wrote, does not make us ungrateful. I too hope that you feel better soon! I do carry around my u/s pictures with me and it helps me to feel better when I look at my little guy!!
ReplyDeletePlease don't feel embarrassed. There is really nothing you can do about your hormones. It doesn't make you a bad preggo IFer!! I'm glad to see an update, though, I've been wondering how you were doing.
ReplyDeleteHallelujah! So glad you're here! And... it's okay. I feel the same way most of the time. At my last doctor's appointment, I told her... "I wanted this for so long, and I'd do it a million times for my little EK, but I'll never do it again. I'm miserable. I went from puking my guts up to feeling like my stomach may literally burst open and now I'm terrified of what this body will turn into in four more months."
ReplyDeleteHaha. She laughed. And then I did too. I always imagined a perfect little baby bump, but I never allowed myself to imagine all the body, mental, etc. changes that come along with that little bump. Haha.
This too shall pass, and then... that perfect little bundle will be here and you'll forget the 9 months... just like the 9 months are making you forget about the length of the struggle to get pregnant. ;)
Sending you hugs and prays too. ;)
Please know that I'm laughing with you and your post, and not AT you. :) Don't be too hard on yourself, honey. Many of us can relate. I always told myself I wouldn't complain or be the typical prego when it finally happened for us, because we had waited so long and done sooo much to get pregnant. My low point was having a meltdown when my hubby got my subway sandwich order wrong - and by meltdown I mean sobs, hiccups and mascara running down my face. I felt nauseated ALL THE TIME for my 1st trimester, and I had a horrible time sleeping. I was an emotional disaster.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, all that to say...its wonderful that you are striving to have a great attitude and keep perspective, but always remember that the physical ailments during pregnancy can wear you down to a point where a positive attitude seems to get you nowhere. The good news is that it should get lots better soon, so keep hanging in there!
I'm praying that you feel better soon!
Beautiful pray.
ReplyDeleteHi! I came across your blog while reading some other blogs. I can REALLY identify with you. I too had endo and had it removed about a year ago. In July we did our first round of IUI and Praise God it worked. We had tried for 6 yrs with no luck. I am due in April just a few weeks behind you. Wishing you and you little one a healty and happy pregnancy! Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteI had a miscarriage my last pregnancy at 8 weeks and I felt miserable while I was pregnant. I felt guilty after the miscarriage, but it's a normal reaction to be irritable. Pregnancy is hard, especially when you feel sick for weeks on end.
ReplyDeleteI hope the morning sickness goes away soon. I'm sure your hubby understands it's pregnancy hormones. :)
ReplyDeleteYour blog caught my attention because we're due so close to each other. I enjoyed reading your story and will definitely keep up with you. Please feel free to visit our blog too! Lots of prayers for you this afternoon: )
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